DECORATED WITH CARDBOARD CUTOUTS OF TELEPHONES PLASTERED TO THE WALLS. A TABLE WITH 3 CHAIRS STANDS ADJACENT TO AN MC’S PODIUM. AS THE SHOW BEGINS, THE HOST ENTERS THE STUDIO TO THE DELIGHT OF THE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
(SFX): A PHONE BEGINS TO RING INCESSANTLY WHILE THE HOST BEGINS TO TOY WITH THE STUDIO AUDIENCE WHO URGE HIM TO ANSWER THE PHONE.
CALLER
Hello, I want to complain about the tastelessness of that last program.
HOST
Well, you just dialed world complaint headquarters, because this is “You Want To Complain”, the show that gives away valuable mer-chandise and mystery cash prizes to the lucky viewer who phones in with the best complaint of the week, and we have 25 phones, that’s right 25 phones to make sure we handle all of your calls. The rules of the game are very simple. All complaints must be original and kept within a 60 second time limit. Then they will be judged on con- tent and presentation by our celebrity guest panelists who will be using a point system from one to ten. But enough of this chit chat, let’s meet tonight’s panel of judges. Our star in the punk music scene. A prodigious singer song writer, she has just completed her tenth album of the month, tentatively en-titled “Bleeding Pains”. Please welcome Anita Shit.
A DIMINUTIVE WOMAN ATTIRED IN A SHREDDED TERRY CLOTH BATHROBE ENTERS THE STUDIO, TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO HER SURROUNDINGS.
HOST
Hello Anita, I’ve always been a big fan and it’s a real pleasure
having you on the show.
ANITA
Ah, fuck off.
HOST
(OBVIOUSLY SHAKEN) Hmm, yes thank you. Ahem, our last two judges have been embarrassing, pardon me, I mean astonishing the scientific community for years due to their experiments in botanical upholstering. With their backgrounds ranging from the field of psych- iatry to the intricacies of stamp licking, they have written a new en-cyclopedia called the “We Know Everything Book”. May I present
Drs. Professors, take your pick it doesn’t make any difference, they’re both Victor and Felix Vroom. Welcome gentlemen.
THE VROOM BROTHERS ENTER THE STUDIO WEARING OVERSIZED MORNING COATS AND TATTERED MORTAR BOARDS, EACH CARRYING AN ARMLOAD OF TELEPHONES.
VICTOR
Who are you to be calling me a gentleman? I mean we’ve been anxiously looking forward to appearing on what I’ve come to think of as my favorite program, “Wheel of Fortune” I mean, ahhh, “You Want to Complain”.
FELIX
Hey Victor, that’s easy for you to say. I’m the one who has to deal with all these phones. Wait, one of the cords is wrapped around my neck.
VICTOR
Here Felix, let me help you.
VICTOR RUSHES OVER TO FELIX AND INSTEAD OF HELPING THE SITUATION, HE WRAPS THE CORD TIGHTER AROUND HIS BROTHER’S NECK. FINALLY A PROPMAN APPEARS AND CUTS THE CORD ALLOWING FELIX TO CATCH HIS BREATH. BOTH PROFESSORS JOIN ANITA AND SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE.
HOST
Well, let’s open up the switchboard and find out who are first contestant is.
(SFX): THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING
HOST
Hello, you want to complain.
CALLER 2
Yes I would like to complain about the physical inadequacies and short comings of fish.
AT THIS POINT A SLIDE IS FLASHED UP ON THE SCREEN REVEALING THE CALLER TO BE A THRIFTY SCOTSMAN PINCHING HIS NOSE WHILE HOLDING A FISH BETWEEN TWO FINGERS.
CALLER TWO
During a recent trip to the market I lost my glasses and happened to buy two fish by accident. I had mistaken them for a pair of sandals for my wife. I did think it was rather strange to find them in the refrigerated section, but I assumed this was due to a lack of common sense on the store’s part. Well, since I’m the type of person that never likes to waste anything, after I arrived home, I made my wife try the fish on anyway and wouldn’t you know it they were three sizes too big.
ANOTHER SLIDE APPEARS ON THE SCREEN SHOWING THE SCOTSMAN MAKING HIS WIFE TRY ON THE FISH.
CALLER TWO
After my initial mistake, I tried other uses for them. They were too messy to work as a fly swatter and too flimsy for a candleholder and as a substitution for a table tennis ball, well forget it. I am sickened and disgusted by this useless product. All I can say is buyers beware.
THE SLIDE DISAPPEARS FROM THE SCREEN AND THE MC REAPPEARS.
HOST
Well, thank you sir, but don’t hang up. Let’s see what the judges thought of it. Anita Shit, what do you think about useless fish?
ANITA SEEMS DISTRACTED AS SHE TEARS THREADS OFF FROM HER BATHROBE AND TRIES TO USE THEM AS DENTAL FLOSS.
ANITA
What do you want from me now?
HOST
Actually, I was wondering if you care to tell us about useless fish.
ANITA
I liked the lyrics, typical story of rebellion against modern society, but
the beat was really dragging and it just sort of faded out at the end. I give it a jive five.
HOST
(ROLLING HIS EYES) Ah yes, eh, Dr. Prof. Victor Vroom, is it all
right if I call you Victor?
VICTOR
Only if I can call you Darlene.
HOST
Yes, well then Doctor, could you please give us your score.
VICTOR
I noticed right away an over stimulated appetite loss, of course I’m
only speaking for myself, in which case I’ll give the caller a seven.
AT THIS POINT THE HOST BEGINS TO FEEL AS IF PERHAPS IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER IDEA HAD HE NOT WOKEN ON THIS PARTICULAR DAY, BUT SHRUGS AND HOPES FOR BETTER RESULTS WITH THE OTHER VROOM.
HOST
(TUGGING AT HIS SHIRT COLLAR) Ah, Prof. Felix, what do
you think?
FELIX IS ENGROSSED WITH THE ENCYCLOPEDIA AND SITS UP WITH A JUMP AS IF HE JUST SUDDENLY WOKE UP FROM A TRANCE.
FELIX
I was just reading about fish in our encyclopedia and I have found a large number of fish deficiencies that the caller failed to mention. He didn’t tell us that fish cannot be used as toothpaste, nor did he tell us about its uselessness as a coffee table. On the basis of this new in-formation, I feel we should give him back his 20 cents for the call.
(SFX): A PHONE BEGINS TO RING FOLLOWED BY MORE PHONES AND THE SOUND OF DOORBELLS AND GONGS. THE PANEL TRIES TO ANSWER THE PHONES BUT TO NO AVAIL AS THEY CONTINUE TO RING. FINALLY, THE HOST, WITH HIS COLLAR COMPLETELY LOOSENED AND HAIR UNKEMPT FINDS THE CORRECT PHONE.
HOST
(EXASPERATED) You want to complain.
CALLER THREE
Ja, I would like to complain about the final outcome of World War II and the effect it had on the insect costume jewelry industry.
A SLIDE FLASHES UP ON THE SCREE SHOWING A SHORT MAN SOMEWHAT RESEMBLING A BULLDOG HOLDING UP A MOUNTED INSECT COLLECTION.
HOST
All right sir, go right ahead.
CALLER THREE
With what should I go right ahead?
HOST
With your complaint if you please.
CALLER THREE
I just did.
HOST
Oh, that was it? Rather cryptic wasn’t it?
CALLER THREE
Ja, but to the point.
THE SLIDE FADES OUT
HOST
Anita, what’s your response to this complaint?
ANITA HAS BEGUN TO REMOVE THE ROBE FROM HER SHOULDERS AND ROTATES HER HEAD AS IF SHE WERE ABOUT TO PASS OUT.
ANITA
Oh man, you again? What is this? My manager told me that this show would be a breeze and now I have to think. Well okay, insect costume jewelry is real dated stuff. Fuck, we were wearing that crap last week. The new scene is wrapping aluminum foil around your body and hiring yourself out as a sun reflector. So where’s this guy coming from? I suppose if I have to give him anything, I’ll give him a 3 ‘cos he acts like a bee. Wow, awesome, I gotta write that down.
THE HOST CAN’T BELIEVE HIS EARS. HE SLIPS OUT OF HIS JACKET, FOLDS IT CAREFULLY AND THROWS IT INTO A CORNER
HOST
(ALMOST CRYING) Doctor Professor Victor, your comment and score please.
VICTOR
What’s all this fuss about this thing he calls WWII? As far as I know, your employer will send you one at the end of the year. I’ve heard livelier comments from a camel’s hair coat, but I’ll give him a two for knowing how to use the phone.
HOST
(SLIGHTLY SUICIDAL) Doctor Professor Felix, your views on the subject.
FELIX (LEERING AT ANITA) You know Anita, if you’re not doing anything later, how about going out….
FELIX REACHES OUT IN AN ATTEMPT TO GRAB ANITA’S BATHROBE
ANITA
Get your hands off me, you pathetic little nerd.
FELIX
Well I, eh, I hate to disagree with Victor, but I just looked up WW II in our encyclopedia and the only entry says that WW II is the brand name of a men’s under-arm deodorant. But I was impressed enough with the caller’s voice, so I’ll reverse the charges.
VICTOR
(EXCITEDLY) Felix, have you checked with what we say about deo-dorant?
PINCHING HIS NOSE, FELIX CLEARS THE AIR WITH A WAVE OF HIS HAND.
FELIX
Maybe you should do some additional research on that subject. Have you taken a bath lately? P.U.!
VICTOR GRABS THE ENCYCLOPEDIA AWAY FROM FELIX AND MADLY STARTS TO TURN THE PAGES, RIPPING PAGES AS HE GOES. FELIX ATTEMPTS TO STOP HIM, BUT THEIR ARMS BECOME LOCKED AS THEY TRY TO WRESTLE THE ENCYCLOPEDIA AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. IN THE MELEE, VICTOR WRAPS ANOTHER PHONE AROUND FELIX’S NECK.
(SFX): THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING. THE HOST ATTEMPTS TO ANSWER THE PHONE BUT CAN’T FIND IT, AND COMPLETELY LOSES HIS COOL. SUDDENLY FELIX GRABS THE PHONE THAT’S WRAPPED AROUND HIS NECK AND PUTS THE RECEIVER TO HIS EAR.
FELIX
Hello, hello, hello, is anybody there?
CALLER FOUR
Yes, I’d like to complain…
FELIX
(EXTREMELY AGITATED) You want to complain? You want to complain? Well, I want to complain for a change. I’m tired of all you jerks calling in and complaining about nothing.
CALLER FOUR
Well, it’s about your so-called encyclopedia.
A SLIDE APPEARS ON THE SCREEN REVEALING THE CALLER TO BE A MIDDLE AGED OVERWEIGHT WOMAN WITH A BEEHIVE HAIRDO CRADLING THE PHONE BETWEEN HER HEAD AND SHOULDERS WHILE PETTING A SMALL DOG ON HER LAP.
VICTOR
What’s wrong with our so-called encyclopedia?
CALLER FOUR
First of all it sells for the same price as a Mercedes limousine and it’s only fifty pages long, of which half of those pages are blank!
FELIX
Well of course, we did that on purpose. It’s a well documented fact that most people like to doodle while they’re doing research.
CALLER FOUR
Doodle? Doodle? I’ll tell you where you can put your doodle.
FELIX & VICTOR
Oh, calling us cheats, heh?
A VIOLENT ARGUMENT ENSUES
HOST
(PLEADING) Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, please, P-U-L-E-E-Z-E!
FELIX & VICTOR
Police??!!! Let’s get out of here.
HOST
That’s all the time we have for this week’s show. But please join us
next week as we bring you another episode of…
THE HOST PULLS A REVOLVER OUT OF THE BACK OF HIS TROUSERS, AND GRABBING IT WITH TWO HANDS, AIMS THE GUN AT THE AUDIENCE.
HOST (Cont’d)
You want to complain?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.
