(JERRY SPRINGER SEND UP FOR PHILIPS BEARD TRIMMER)
Ladies and gentlemen, we are five seconds to air time. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…. Roll tape.
Video: Show title “My Beard Gets Me Into Trouble” appear superimposed over screen.
The floor manager holds up large cue cards for audience.
AUDIENCE (CHANTING) Barry, Barry….
BARRY
Abraham Lincoln, Moses, Vincent van Gogh, Rasputin, Bette Davis and Santa Claus. What do these people have in common? They all wore beards. Today, we’re talking about a man’s beard, and the trouble it can lead to. Beards have been on the planet since the Neanderthal age. Through the years men with beards have been praised and con-demned, but in general beards are looked up to, especially if they’re worn on someone who is extremely tall. But growing a beard, can be problematic, for the simple reason that a beard keeps growing… and growing…. and growing. Today we’re searching for solutions to take control of a man’s beard. Our first guest is a young musician whose new CD, “Facial Hair” just went over one million copies in sales. Please welcome Kenny Itch.
Kenny enters stage. The floor manager holds up cue cards for audience who “ooh and aah”. Kenny shrinks a bit from the attention.
BARRY
Well Kenny, you seem to have made quite an impression on the women in the audience.
KENNY
Yeah, that’s my problem. It’s my beard. My manager won’t let me shave it off. I always seem to have an effect on women wherever I go. Just once I’d like to walk into a room and not be noticed. Not have the feeling that I’m being visually
undressed by some strange beautiful woman.
BARRY
That is a problem, although I’m sure there are some men in the audience who wouldn’t mind changing places with you. And speaking of changing places, we’ll be right back after this commercial break.
Video TV Spot: Public Service Announcement E.C.U: Gray material covering entire screen. Camera begins to slowly pull back. Sound effects of a shopping cart rolling on the pavement.
V.O
Sometimes, it’s seems easier to ignore them
Camera continues to pull back revealing close-up of the back of a man’s overcoat.
V.O
But they’re always with us.
Camera continues to pull back to reveal medium shot of the back of the man pushing a shopping cart.
V.O
Remember, on this planet, we’re all humans.
Medium shot: The man turns his face toward camera. He’s wearing a full length beard that’s grown so long, he has to carry it in the shopping cart.
V.O.
Join in the fight to end discrimination against beard styles.
Video: Show title “My Beard Gets Me Into Trouble” superimposed on bottom of screen. The floor manager holds up cue cards for audience.
AUDIENCE (CHANTING) Barry, Barry…
BARRY
Our next guest is known the world over for his hearty voice, healthy appetite and hairy beard. He’s here today with his beautiful wife. Please welcome Lucy and Luciano Pavarotti.
Audio : APPLAUSE Luciano and Lucy enter and sit down.
Lucy admiringly looks at Kenny and he returns her look with a nervous smile. Lucy moves her chair to be closer to Kenny. Luciano is oblivious to all this as he spends his time getting comfortable in his chair.
BARRY
Luciano, I’ve always been a big fan of yours and it’s a real pleasure having you on the show. You’re a person who has always been recognizable because of your beard. My question to you is, where do you think you would be without your beard?
Luciano stands up and begins to sing an aria from a famous opera. Barry looks confused and as he tries to cut off Luciano, Lucy moves her chair closer to Kenny. Barry finally succeeds in quieting Luciano.
BARRY
You’re saying that you wouldn’t be successful as an opera singer without it?
Luciano sings again.
BARRY
Oh, I see. When you go onstage, you feel your beard on your face and that gives you the power to sing. Very interesting. Well let’s take some questions from the audience.
Barry looks around the audience.
BARRY
Yes, you ma’am, in the fourth row, seventh seat from the aisle.
A woman stands up in the audience.
WOMAN
My husband has a beard……
BARRY (ABRUPTLY CUTTING HER OFF)
Well, good for him. We’ll be right back after these words from our sponsors.
Video TV Spot: DeBeard 9 Piece Knife Beard Trimming Set.
Medium Shot: Clumps of hair falling into a bathroom sink.
V.O
Tired of doing things the old fashioned way?
Medium shot: Man standing at bathroom sink, hacking away at his beard with an axe. He reacts to the voice over with a frustrated grin and nod.
V.O
Now, with this amazing offer from DeBeard Industries you can set your sights on the 21st century.
Medium shot: Man’s eyes pop open with enthusiasm.
V.O
DeBeard Industries is proud to present…..
Medium shot: Sound effect: Trumpet fanfare. Product shot. Knife set stands on a draped pedestal.
V.O
The DeBeard 9 Piece Knife Beard Trimming set.
Close-up and slow pan of knife set.
V.O
That’s right. Now, you can achieve the total beard trimming freedom that you’ve always wanted to have.
Medium shot: Man at bathroom sink, using one of the knives. His beard is now shorter, but patchy. Following shots of man with beard continuing to get shorter, and with plasters on his face.
V.O
The DeBeard 9 Piece Knife Beard Trimming set. For the man who’s not afraid of a little blood.
AUDIENCE (CHANTING)
Barry, Barry….
BARRY
Welcome back. We’re talking about beards and the problems they can cause. Lucy, we haven’t yet heard from you. Do you have anything to add?
LUCY
Beards turn me on. I can’t seem to help myself. Whenever I’m near someone with a beard, I lose all control. Normally, I never would have been attracted to someone like Luciano, but because of his beard, I didn’t even notice that he was overweight. And as far as Kenny is concerned…….
Lucy looks over and leers in Kenny’s direction. He sees this and becomes visibly nervous.
BARRY
Speaking of concern, I’m pleased to bring out our last guest who is a leading authority on the subject of beard control. Ladies and gentlemen, Elwin de Valk.
The floor manager holds up cue card reading “Elwin” (A Philips executive)
AUDIENCE (CHANTING)
Elwin, Elwin……
Elwin enters and sits down.
BARRY
Elwin, obviously, you’re the expert in this field, and I think
it’s important to clear the air. So I’m going to graciously ask
our other guests to exit stage.
The cast including Elwin begin to exit offstage. Barry grabs Elwin and reminds him that he is still to speak. Lucy remains onstage transfixed by Elwin. The floor manager sees this and drags her offstage
Elwin speaks. Barry re-enters stage and sits alone for his final thought.
BARRY
Beards, love them or hate them, no matter what, they’re an integral part of today’s society. You know, trimming a beard can be a wonderful and enlightening experience, especially after hearing about some of the solutions we’ve been given today on how to keep yours in good shape. Well, I think we all learned something today. I know I did. And that is, it’s now easy wearing a beard. Be with us for our next show. Until then, take good care of yourselves and each
other.
Barry exits stage. The Floor Manager announces that there will be a short break.
