Sound of an AIRPLANE ENGINE droning in the air.
FADE UP:
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
The ACTOR prepares himself at the door of the plane, accompanied by two SKY DIVERS.
On the count of three, they jump together into the void.
CUT TO:
FREE-FALL
The two SKY DIVERS grip the actor by either arm.
SKY DIVER 1
How much time have you got?
ACTOR
Huhhh….
SKY DIVER 2
You’re beautiful Babe. Just Relax.
Remember, favor the left, it’s your
best side.
ACTOR
(nodding)
Uh, huh.
SKY DIVER 1
What’s your next move?
ACTOR
Huhh…..
SKY DIVER 2
You’re perfect. Just give ‘em that
million dollar smile.
CUT TO:
CLOSE UP
The ACTOR’S SMILE
A TOOTHBRUSH, full of foamy toothpaste glides smoothly into his mouth as the ACTOR begins to brush.
WIDEN TO REVEAL
ACTOR’S FACE
He continues to brush, smiling all the while. He drinks from a small Dixie cup, swirls the water around in his mouth and spits.
VOICE (DIRECTOR)
(off-screen)
Cut! No, no, no.
VOICE (CLIENT)
(off-screen, female)
Bobby, if you remember in the story
board, he expectorates gracefully, you
know, like the Trevi Fountain.
DIRECTOR
Right, right. Look Babe…. It is Babe,
isn’t it? Did you get that?
The ACTOR, still smiling, listens intently and nods.
CUT TO:
CLOSE-UP: FILM SLATE
The clapper comes down in front of the ACTOR’S FACE.
DIRECTOR
Okay, let’s go….. And use your lips
Babe.
Another TAKE. The ACTOR raises the brush to his mouth.
DIRECTOR
Cut!… Paste on the side of the
the brush again
CUT TO:
Another SLATE
The ACTOR brushes again.
DIRECTOR
(softly)
Good… good.
The ACTOR raises the DIXIE-CUP to his lips and drains it. Suddenly he starts to gag. He’s taken too much water! Foam escapes from the corners of his mouth. He makes guttural noises, still trying to smile, until he erupts like a volcano, spraying toothpaste directly into the camera lens.
DIRECTOR
Cut! I said Trevi Fountain, Babe,
not Old Faithful! Christ, you’re
killing us!
FADE TO BLACK
FADE UP:
INT.ACTOR’S STUDIO – DAY
The ACTOR and an ACTRESS sit opposite each other on a small stage. Two VIDEO CAMERAS record a scene in progress.
ACTRESS
You love me, don’t you?
LONG PAUSE
ACTOR
Yeah, I love you… I’ve loved
you from the moment I saw
you.
VOICE ( ACTING TEACHER)
Wait a minute. Where’s she at?
Come on, happy, sad, what?
ACTOR
Uh…sad?
ACTING TEACHER
Yes! Go with it!
ACTOR
I’ve loved you…
ACTING TEACHER
Not to me! To her!
The ACTOR prepares
ACTOR
Yeah, I love you….
ACTING TEACHER
Kiss her!
The ACTOR kisses the ACTRESS, but she moves slightly. It’s an awkward kiss.
ACTING TEACHER
Come on Nina, let him have it!
The ACTOR kisses her again. His hand drifts up her leg. The ACTRESS jumps and slaps him in the face. The CLASS is stupefies as the ACTRESS storms out.
The ACTING TEACHER gets up, goes to the stage.
ACTING TEACHER
(privately to Nina)
Nice touch.
The ACTOR gets up, the ACTING TEACHER puts his arm around him.
ACTING TEACHER
You know, you’ve got a great
Look, great close-up lips and
those teeth… What kind of
toothpaste do you use?
CUT TO:
INT. STYLISH RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Two attractive, PROFESSIONAL WOMEN sit at a table with drinks. Behind them at another table, crowded with EXECUTIVE TYPES. All are talking show business buzz.
CUT TO:
INT. TRESTAURANT KITCHEN DOORS – NIGHT
The DOUBLEDOORS to the KITCHEN open. The ACTOR comes out balancing plates laden with food on each arm. He glides effortlessly over the floor, delivering food with grace and aplomb.
Finally, he serves the last remaining dishes with exaggerated finesse to the two WOMEN.
ACTOR
(flirtatiously)
Can I get you anything else?
A VOICE from another table responds
VOICE (MAN)
What’s this? I ordered fish!
VOICE (WOMAN)
Where’s my Cobb salad?
The ACTOR looks over his shoulder, puzzled. As he looks back, he finds the WOMEN staring at him
PROFESSIONAL WOMAN 1
We’re waiting for dessert.
ACTOR
Oh…. Sorry.
The ACTOR reaches down and picks up her plate.
CUT TO:
A flurry of FAST MOTION as the ACTOR rights all the orders.
CUT TO:
The ACTOR returns to the WOMEN’S table with a platter of CHERRIES JUBILEE.
The ACTOR lowers a lighter with characteristic flair, to the extravagant dessert. The cherries ignite in a FIRE – BALL.
The ACTOR jumps back aghast. The WOMEN dive for cover. The ACTOR tries to blow it out, then attempts to put it out with a napkin. He merely fans the flames. The napkin smolders and then catches fire. He grabs a GLASS OF WATER from the table and dumps it over the flames.
The water cascades onto the floor. He SLIPS, grabbing the TABLECLOTH as he falls. The CHERRIES JUBILEE comes down on top of him. The WOMEN leave in a huff.
CUT TO:
CLOSE-UP: ACTOR
The ACTOR is buried in red goo. The TABLECLOTH covers his face.
LAUGHTER from the other table.
VOICE (MAN)
(off-screen)
That was great! Hilarious!
A HAND comes into frame and pulls back the TABLECLOTH.
MAN
Are you an actor?
A BUSINESS CARD enters the frame.
ACTOR
(sheepishly)
Producer?
PRODUCER
(chuckling, voice
trailing off)
Call me.
CUT TO:
EXT. SKY – DAY
The SKYDIVERS in mid FREE FALL with the ACTOR
SKYDIVER 2
Great kid.
SKYDIVER 1
But how much time have you got?
FADE OUT
