HEMP © THE UNSOLD STORY
(HEMPORARILY OUT OF SERVICE)
an original treatment for film
May 31, 1994
BRIEF MAIN CHARACTER DESCRIPTION
TOM STRONG: A handsome extroverted charismatic singer with a good sense of humor in his late forties. A charmer of women, he’s concerned not only for their rights, but the rights of men and women alike to help save the planet.
SAMMY WALBERG: A wiry hot tempered, sometimes obnoxious New Yorker, with a wicked sense of humor. He’s always on edge, due to his constant attempts to give up smoking cigarettes. A top notch drummer in his mid forties, he’s known for his elaborate drum fills.
DR. RAVE: An obese artistically prone, French keyboard player, a technical genius with a soft heart in his late forties. A flamboyant dresser, and a lover of bon bons, hardly a moment goes by when he’s not eating one.
LANCE GRIZZARD: A laid back southern Californian ex-surfer bass player in his mid forties. In spite of his on going friendly feud with Sammy, he always keeps an optimistic outlook on life.
B.B. ELLIOT: A legendary English guitarist in his late forties, with a passion for music. Self effacing, with a high regard for privacy. He rarely speaks, but when he does, everyone in the band listens.
JOE MANNO: A pushy, New Yorker in his mid fifties. Tom’s business manager is successful due to being involved in every minute detail of a project. An extremely accommodating negotiator.
RICHARD “DICK” BRAIGN: Director of Committee On Morality For Youth. A civil servant who has risen above his abilities. An insecure megalomaniac, he is given to sudden delusions of grandeur, that can turn into infantile tantrums at a moment’s notice. Early fifties.
DENNIS TWINE: An obnoxious, but cowardly upper class twit, head of the Censor department at MVBC. A man in his mid thirties, he has the unsettling habit of being the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time.
ELYSE NAPIER: An attractive associate producer at Music Video Broadcasting Corporation in her late thirties. Carrying an old torch for Tom, puts her in potential conflict with her old friend, Tom’s wife.
HARRY (C.O.M.F.Y SQUAD): A brawny, punch drunk ex-boxer, stupid, but with a big heart in his early fifties.
TREVOR (C.O.M.F.Y SQUAD): A small swarthy rat like man, devious but not too bright in his late thirties.
LLOYD (C.O.M.F.Y SQUAD): A friendly goofy looking fair haired tall man in his mid forties. He’s slow to speak and slow to think.
CECIL (C.O.M.F.Y SQUAD): A soft pudgy man with menacingly smiling eyes, in his early fifties. He’s potentially the most dangerous of any of the C.O.M.F.Y Squad.
CHARLIE FISHER: Manager of Powerhouse Music and Video stores, in his late thirties. He is a constant worrier, and has a fatalistic approach to life.
LORD MARQUAND: Powerful member of the government’s re-election committee. He’s a large arrogant man with a frog like face in his early sixties.
OTHER FEATURED CHARACTERS:
BOBBY NEWSOME: Youthful(30′s), but shrewd executive vice president at MVBC.
DR. FAROUK AZIZ: Mid eastern discredited cannabis researcher. (early 50′s)
JACQUELINE STRONG: Tom’s beautiful and sensible wife. (late 30′s)
MARGARET DILLY: Plain, tight lipped ass’t secretary at C.O.M.F.Y (mid 40′s)
MISCHA STEINBRENNER: Tom’s composed German tour manager. (mid 50′s)
SALLY HANSEN: Self centered TV talk show host. (early 30′s)
DAVID SHERWOOD: Head of London chapter of People Against Marijuana
Prohibition. (early 40′s)
JACQUES HALLER: Shady executive producer at Flashpaper Film Productions
(early 30′s)
KARL PIEDMONT: Spaced out artsy film director. (early 60′s)
LARRAINE BRAIGN: Braign’s wife, soft and understanding. (mid 40′s)
JILLY McKERNAN: B.B Elliot’s petite, wise cracking wife. (early 40′s)
ERIC CRUST: Customs supervisor, a “doubting Thomas”. (early 50′s)
ELLEN PIERCE: Cute young P.A.M.P assistant. (early 20′s)
The frame is filled with floating white clouds, that drift apart to reveal a flying overhead view of the island. A hang glider soars into view and the scene continues with alternating shots of the overhead view of the island getting larger, presenting views of lush greenery in the form of rolling
acres of cannabis plants and the descending figure of the hang glider.
STRONG’S ISLAND: A door is opened and the camera begins to slowly track down a passageway, stopping at a framed article from Variety Magazine mounted on a wall. It’s the “Where Are They Now?” column featuring a glowing account of Tom Strong and the Strongmen. The camera zooms in to see an old picture of the group in the article and lists the group’s top selling 15 LPs that they recorded from 1966 to 1973, and adds that Tom and the group were last seen in Copenhagen at the World Peace Concert in 1974.
The camera proceeds to track, and zooms in on another article, but from Time Magazine. It’s been enlarged to poster size and adorned with obscene graffiti. The headlines scream out that the band was picked up at John F. Kennedy airport with 1 kilo of marijuana, and only received probation for
one year. The “Moral Majority” was incensed at what they thought was a flagrant mishandling of justice. Instead of appeasing this group, the band publicly criticized the American government’s policy on cannabis prohibition, which led to public burnings of their albums.
The camera continues to track seeing framed platinum and gold records haphazardly hanging along the rest of the walls. The camera stops again and focuses on another enlarged article, this time from Mother Earth News. Under the banner headline “HEMP POWER AND HOW IT CAN SAVE OUR PLANET”, a photo shows Tom posing with a display of hemp manufactured paper, clothing, hemp seed sprouts, cooking oil, and non toxic fuel. The camera moves on and stops momentarily at another door that opens, and the searing sound of electric guitars starts to be heard. The band is in the island studio laying down the finishing touches on their first album in over twenty years.
TOM STRONG, the charismatic lead vocal and rhythm guitarist, is the man who more than twenty-five years ago made millions of young girls fall in love with his boyish charm. Now, twenty years later and fifteen kilos heavier, he’s covered with sweat and trying to keep his long gray streaked black
hair off his face, while attempting to mirror a tricky guitar riff, being laid down effortlessly by the legendary guitarist B.B. ELLIOT. Meanwhile, in the control booth, DR. RAVE, the ever obese, flamboyant French keyboardist, sits at the mixing board, grooving to the music, as his fat fingers
speedily twist the dials. His concentration starts to shrink, when an argument begins to be heard between SAMMY WALBERG, the group’s resident New Yorker, and LANCE GRIZZARD, the ex- California surfer, about the degree of reverb that should be used on the cut.
Lance and Sammy’s discussion is cut off in mid insult by the arrival of B.B. Elliot’s wife, JILLY McKERNAN, the group’s assistant business manager, whose slender petite body belies her loud, wise cracking personality. Clutching a fax in her hand, she cries out that their old record company refused to pickup an option for their contract. The band plunge into temporary depression. Without a record company behind them, how would they manage to accomplish their ultimate goal; a world-wide campaign to inform the public about the true healthy aspects of cannabis hemp and how it can
save the planet. They’ve already made all the videos to accompany the new album, and begin to worry that all their work has been in vain. Their depression is cut short by Dr. Rave, who remarks that the solution to their problems is right there on the island. By using a polymerizing process on
the hemp to make plastic, and their own laser equipment, they could manufacture as many CDs as they need, and start their own record company.
They immediately go into motion. Sammy suggests the name “POTLUCK” for the new label, which is met with resounding accord. The meeting is interrupted by a phone call from their business manager JOE MANNO in New York, informing the group that he has just finalized the negotiations for the upcoming tour. Tom puts him on the speaker phone and lets him in on the new developments. Joe has his doubts at first, saying that it could be a tremendous financial risk, but is shouted down by the group. Finally through the din, someone shouts out for the group to shut up. Everyone turns around, and are startled to hear the quiet voice of B.B. Elliot. He makes the point that they definitely have the financial means to support this project and if they couldn’t be certain of its success, there would be no reason to do it in the first place. Joe concedes that it’s all possible, and that he’ll make the necessary arrangements to set up distribution for the CD.
In the interior corridors of a non-descript LONDON business office, a secret meeting is taking place between various representatives of the Tory re-election campaign and members of a subsidiary committee of the government. Hard questions are being put to RICHARD BRAIGN, a megalomaniac
and chairman of C.O.M.F.Y., the Committee On Morality For Youth about his monthly results. Due to the re-election campaign theme, “Back to Basics”, the government is keen to have a significant influence in the behavior of British youth. Braign tells them of a major campaign that he is about to
launch. First, “Back to Basics” music videos, as a means of softening a child’s environment, by re-introducing the comfortable sights and sounds of the ’50s. Secondly because of a recent data poll which showed an increase of marijuana smoking among younger people, a scheme designed to reinforce the theory about the evils of marijuana. Braign goes on to tell them that he’s also out to prove that there is a natural link between drugs and rock ‘n roll, and that he has planted a mole inside a likely den of iniquity, music television.
At the London headquarters of MVBC, the MUSIC VIDEO BROADCASTING CORPORATION, the activity level is at a peak. Young people of every known and on some occasions, unknown hair styles, run down aisles that are a part of a maze of connecting offices. In a large conference room, dominated by a giant screen television, the weekly staff meeting is taking place. BOBBY NEWSOME, the youthful, but shrewd executive vice president is asking if any one can recommend any new releases. ELYSE NAPIER, an attractive middle aged associate producer, immediately volunteers with her selection. Placing a video cassette into the VCR, the room darkens and the images of Tom and the band appear on the screen.
Tom and the band are performing the title track off the new CD, “Take Strength”. The video is a collage showing various stages of marijuana cultivation and their alternative uses of the plant, such as their hemp paper mill, hemp textile production and alternative forms of fuel. The video ends, the lights return and a lively discussion follows. Elyse is kidded by Bobby about her one time relationship with Tom, but she replies that she introduced Tom to his wife and they have remained good friends to this day. The controversial aspects of the video are brought up by DENNIS TWINE, the head of the censor department, a cowardly and obnoxious upper class twit. He objects to the nature of the video because it advocates the use of cannabis. Elyse reminds the staff that this is the premiere of a new CD from a legendary rock ‘n roll band, who haven’t recorded an album in over twenty years, and because of that fact alone, they owe it to their viewers to present such a newsworthy event. A vote is taken and despite complaints from Dennis, it’s overwhelmingly passed. After the meeting adjourns, Dennis questions Elyse about the wisdom of broadcasting this video, and states that this will mean that the station is identifying with the advocacy of marijuana. She starts to laugh and then tells him that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Horrified by this thought, Dennis beats a hasty retreat to his office and places a call to his superiors at C.O.M.F.Y.
Braign arrives at the decrepit laboratory of DR. FAROUK AZIZ, a noted cannabis researcher. Dr. Aziz spent over five years working on a government sponsored project to uncover any harmful effects of cannabis on the human body. He found that of 29 areas of the human lung studied, only one, the
large air passageway, found marijuana more irritant than tobacco. Unfortunately, he became too zealous in his search and supplied unproven data and was discredited by the World Health Organization. Braign asks Aziz if he would like to get his government subsidy and credentials restored. Aziz jumps at the chance, and asks what he has to do. Braign tells him that for the most part, the public is completely ignorant of the true effects of marijuana on the body. If a forum is provided for Aziz, would he present his theory of marijuana usage being the primary reason for the breakdown of the immune system as proven fact. Aziz has no problem with this, considering that he actually believe it himself.
At the island, Dr. Rave is reviewing the compact disc manufacturing process with SEAN DOHERTY, the group’s chief technician and his first assistant JANETTE SMYTHE. The operation is somewhat more involved than they originally thought and they begin to realize that the CD’s will not be ready in time to accompany them to England. A decision is made to have Janette work as interim chief technician, leave Sean in charge of the CD, and then after it’s completed, join the group on tour.
As Tom is packing for the upcoming tour, he receives a phone call from Elyse who tells him that the video has been accepted for their heavy rotation slot and that MVBC would like to do some special promotion for their tour. They could also help with the distribution for the CD as well as arranging some special performing venues, such as their popular program, “Acoustics”. Tom thanks her and tells her that he’ll see her soon. Hanging up the phone, he finds his wife JACQUELINE, standing behind him. She asks him if he’s certain that he’s doing the right thing in leaving the security of the island. He in turn asks her if she means leaving the island for the tour or working closely with Elyse. Her look tells him that she’s concerned about both matters. As far as the tour is concerned, Tom informs
her that someone must take the initiative if the cannabis laws are ever to change, and as far as Elyse is concerned, Jacqueline has nothing to worry about. He reassures her by clearing the suitcases off the bed, grabbing her and jumping onto the bed for a wild love making session.
At C.O.M.F.Y headquarters, a screening is taking place between Richard Braign, head of C.O.M.F.Y. a nervous Dennis Twine and MARGARET DILLY a plain looking woman in her fifties, she’s the strait laced, tight lipped assistant secretary to the committee for suppression of information. The bright images playing on the screen is the new updated dance video, “How Much is that Doggie in the Window?” The video features dancers attired in demure ’50s fashion, performing with cute cuddly dogs. Braign has a smug smile of appreciation on his face, while Dilly maintains a frigid air about her. Twine is smiling nervously, and glancing frequently at his watch. The video mercifully ends, and before Braign can ask for responses, Twine tells him about the resurfacing of Tom Strong and the Strongmen. Braign’s mouth drops open in shock, and even Dilly stirs slightly.
Braign moans audibly and in flashback, we see that he’s had former clashes with Strong. During the heyday of the Strongmen, Braign was working as a British Customs officer. Tom and the group managed even after an exhaustive customs search, to smuggle a kilo of marijuana into Heathrow. By flattening the marijuana and shaping it into disc platters, then putting them into their own album covers and sealing them with plastic, the band was able to disguise the pot as records. Then they put the marijuana LPs in the bottom of packing crates and then filled the top half of the crates with genuine albums. After they were cleared by Customs, the group was later able to distribute the so called albums at an open air rock ‘n roll festival. The press ate this outrageous behavior up and had a field day at British Customs expense. Braign was not held accountable, but felt responsible and always wanted to make amends.
This is the information that Braign has been waiting for, a chance to finally vindicate himself and prove his theory that rock ‘n roll does indeed bring on drug abuse and vice versa. Braign thinks that there could be a way to infiltrate Strong’s operation. He calls in four odd looking characters, HARRY, a brawny, punch drunk ex-boxer, TREVOR, a small rat-like man, with dark features, LLOYD, a
friendly, almost goofy looking fair-haired taller man, and CECIL, a soft pudgy man with menacingly smiling eyes. This is Braign’s personal special services team, who he wishes were trained in the art of counter terrorism, self-defense, demolition and masters of disguise, the C.O.M.F.Y. SQUAD.
Braign starts to daydream. A formidable team indeed, except for some major drawbacks. All the men are extremely dull witted or demented and not only had been dishonorably discharged from the SAS, they were Braign’s brothers in law. The extreme difference in their appearance being, that they had all been adopted. Braign’s marriage to his wife LARRAINE had carried a heavy price tag, employ the now unemployable future brothers in law or forget about the wedding, or even worse, get married and have the in-laws move in with them. Braign snaps himself out of his nightmarish dream and returns to the business at hand. He slowly explains to the men the nature of their new assignment; to infiltrate an enemy camp and plant damaging evidence against them. He asks if any of them have experience working for bands.
The customs area at Heathrow is backed up, and the roadies have been separated from the rest of the group. The band find themselves having to deal with all the equipment including costumes and props. The line slowly moves up to the customs bench where two weary customs officers, who aren’t impressed with the band’s credentials and start to go through all their personal suitcases and flight cases, until they come to a box, confront the band marked “EXTRA FRAGILE”. This arouses their suspicions, but when the case is opened, four extra large foam latex marijuana plant suits pop out. The agents are dumbfounded, it’s been a long day. The situation is resolved when told that these are theatre props, and so they let the band pass through.
The press conference room at the airport is humming with anticipation. Elyse has organized it very well. Paparazzi is everywhere as the world press is covering the event. Applause suddenly erupts as Tom makes his way into the press room, followed by surprised laughter, as the band, who have donned the foam latex marijuana plant suits, enter and bow. Questions come fast and heavy by the press who want to know the reasons behind the band’s comeback. Tom explains that due to the environmental damage that’s been done to the planet, it was time for someone to raise the public’s awareness level about how a simple plant could reestablish the delicate ecological balance. When asked what the plant is, Dr. Rave, still wearing the marijuana costume yells out “Rock ‘n Roll”.
Braign is being dressed down by the re-election committee. Several of the top brass are starting to get embarrassed about the recent activities of Tom Strong. LORD MARQUAND, a large man with a frog like face, tells him in no uncertain terms that this is a problem that should be dealt with quickly. The last thing that they want is a resurgence of marijuana smoking, environmental conscience radicals, who stir up the public. The committee reminds Braign that they live in a world where the economy is based upon fossil fuel and petrochemicals companies. If society suddenly demanded that all energy should be based on cannabis hemp in the form of biomass to make methanol and other related fuels, there would be total economic chaos. Stock exchanges would collapse and cause a worldwide depression like none ever seen before. Marquand then hands Braign a typed out scenario for a public information film that they want COMFY to produce. Braign tries to explain that he has already produced a pro “Back to Basics” video, but they remain adamant, this script had already been approved by the top and was considered a number one priority. The committee advises him to expedite this as soon as possible, or be ready to face the consequences. Braign’s body begins to shake as he envisions strange scenes of himself walking the plank overboard, being tossed out of a sky scraper, and being cooked in an oversized pot, with a ring of cannibals dancing around it. He vows to put an end to Tom Strong’s folly.
At a large downtown Powerhouse Music and Video store, hordes of customers are queuing up at the main counter in an attempt to purchase the new Tom Strong CD. The store’s staff are beside themselves because the shipment hasn’t come in yet. A track from the band’s CD is playing on two large screen televisions that are hung from the ceiling and bordering the main counter.
The song is “Rock of Roll Visions”, and the video features peasants during the dark ages administering cannabis extracts on themselves and successfully curing their ailments. Without warning, church officials raid their homes and incarcerate them. Scenes follow of the peasants being forced to rely only on official church medication. Crazed church doctors ply the peasants and themselves with alcohol as they cut into their patients’ limbs with a ragged edge knife and begin the bleeding process. Strange religious symbols float by, as the doctors become even more bizarre, insisting that plague-ridden victims wear a grotesque bird mask filled with herbs to cure
their diseases.
The video ends and the customers who had been watching the screen and enjoying the video, bombard the staff with complaints, when told that the CDs aren’t in stock yet.
Twine is fidgeting nervously in Bobby Newsome’s outer office. He’s under pressure from Braign to initiate C.O.M.F.Y.’s new music video program. And is muttering to himself under his breath, contemplating how he’s going to approach the subject with Bobby. His concentration is suddenly broken by the door swinging open and Elyse backing out of the office. She’s ending a conversation with Bobby stating that Tom is expecting a major delivery at the airport. When hearing this, Twine perks up, and unobtrusively jots down the information in a small notebook. Bobby comes out and asks Twine if there’s anything he can do for him. Before Twine can answer, Bobby’s phone rings. He excuses himself to take the call, as Twine makes a speedy exit and runs to his own office.
At the Grovenor Square Hotel, the band and crew pile out of a charter bus and make a beeline for the hotel lobby. The other hotel guests are being ignored by the hotel manager, who is speaking to MISCHA STEINBRENNER, the group’s renowned tour manager, about the room plans. The group make a mad dash for the keys that Mischa displays over his head and disperse into the elevators, leaving the flustered manager to deal with the angry guests.
Tom and Mischa are sitting in Tom’s room, discussing the upcoming venues, with Joe Manno, who’s just arrived from New York. Their conversation is interrupted by an urgent phone call from CHARLIE FISHER, district manager of Powerhouse Music and Video. Asking for Joe, he tells him of the enormous demand for the video, but also of the frustration of not having it. Joe nearly has a heart attack when told of the non-delivery of the CDs. He promises to get back to soon to Charlie, when a knock is heard on the door. The C.O.M.F.Y. Squad enter the room, dressed as hotel staff. They’re awkwardly carrying large baskets of fruit and trays filled with unbalanced stacks of sandwiches and drinks. When Tom tells them that he didn’t order any of this, they in turn tell him that it’s compliments of the hotel. Joe, for the moment oblivious at the intrusion of the men, tells Tom that this is the very thing that he was worried about. What could be holding up the delivery of the CDs. Tom tells him that he is concerned, but not worried. He’s expecting to hear from Sean that day as to the progress of the delivery. Joe is beside himself, acting as if he hadn’t heard what Tom was saying, and stresses the importance of having a product to sell. The revenues from the tour would not be enough to offset the production costs and it would mean a huge financial loss, not to mention the effect it would have on his reputation.
As Joe proceeds to ramble on, the men commence to set up the fruit, sandwiches and drinks at a snail like pace. They’re attempting to install listening devices in the room, but due to their own clumsiness, have difficulty in doing so. Trevor reaches into one of the fruit baskets and takes out a plastic bag crammed with marijuana. Looking for a place to deposit it, he places it under a cushion on the sofa. Unbeknownst to Trevor, Harry in searching for a spot to place a bug, comes across the very same bag that Trevor just planted and excitedly picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
Tom, Mischa and Joe notice that not only are the men still in the room, one of them Lloyd is unscrewing the receiver to the phone. Joe looks over quickly and asks what he’s doing. Lloyd starts to stutter and Cecil answers for him that there was a report that the phone wasn’t working properly. Joe looks at him quizzically and says he was just using it and it worked fine. Trevor gets Cecil’s attention and makes a covert “okay” gesture. Cecil apologizes to Joe and says that there must have been a mistake. Mischa pays them their gratuities and they have no choice but to leave the room. Tom puts on the television, zapping channels with the remote, and decides on an afternoon chat show.
As the C.O.M.F.Y. Squad are exiting the hotel, they quickly summarize the mission so far. Due to the shortage of time, they weren’t able to install any listening devices, but Trevor fills them in on his successful attempt to plant marijuana in the room. He tells them that he’ll call Braign immediately and have him arrange a police raid. Harry agrees wholeheartedly with Trevor, revealing his discovery of marijuana in the room. Trevor looks suspiciously at Harry and asks to see the bag. Harry proudly pulls the bag that Trevor planted out of his pocket. Trevor grabs the bag and begins smacking Harry over the head with it. The bag rips open, and as the men walk away from the hotel, the doorman enthusiastically cleans up the buds.
Dr. Farouk Aziz is being interviewed by SALLY HANSEN. She has introduced
him as one of the greatest authorities of cannabis research. Aziz goes on to claim that not only did his studies show that marijuana was more irritant than tobacco smoke, but that it also created chromosome and testosterone damage. Tom looks up with a start and calls Mischa over to the television. Tom cries out in disgust. He remembers the brou haha over Aziz’s discrediting and tells Mischa that the American university, UCLA had discovered among other things that marijuana had a positive or neutral effect in most areas of the lungs. In fact marijuana has never caused a known case of lung cancer, and has been recognized as being beneficial to sufferers of emphysema, due to the opening and dilation of the bronchial tubes.
Tom shuts off the television, and angrily starts looking for his address book. He can’t find it at first and in frustration, rips open his suitcase and dumps the contents on the floor. Mischa runs to get him a glass of water to calm him down. Tom isn’t having any of it, and continues to rant. Mischa takes the glass of water and throws it in Tom’s face. A tense moment passes, Tom takes a deep breath and thanks Mischa. He apologizes for his temper tantrum, and tries to explain why he had it. It’s absolutely ridiculous that a quack like Aziz, with unfounded theories gets television airtime and everyone believes him like he’s talking about the gospel. As Tom is getting all of this off his chest, Mischa calmly takes Tom’s address book off of the nightstand and shows it to him. They both share a laugh,
and Tom shaking his head, opens the book and dials the number of DAVID SHERWOOD, head of the local London chapter of P.A.M.P. People Against Marijuana Prohibition. Finding out that David is out of town for a few days, he leaves a message with a secretary to have David call him back.
Twine places a call to Braign and informs him about the important delivery that Strong is waiting for. Braign pauses a moment and then makes a monumental decision, thinking that Strong is attempting to bring into the country a formidable amount of marijuana, but this time in the form of CD’s. Braign is overjoyed at the prospect and tells him that he’ll arrange an exclusive reception for the group at the airport. As Twine attempts to curtail the phone call, Braign tells him about the new video that he’s under pressure to produce. Twine is confused. Should he continue to attempt to get airtime for the already produced video, or should he forget about it. Braign screams at him to do both. Twine meekly mumbles that he’s waiting for the weekly staff meeting when new music is introduced. Braign emphasizes that he shouldn’t wait too long, because he himself is under pressure from the re-election committee to see some results.
Back at the hotel, the C.O.M.F.Y. SQUAD have now positioned themselves on a scaffolding outside the hotel, masquerading as window cleaners. Unfortunately, the scaffolding doesn’t quite come up to Tom’s floor, and the platform that they’re all standing on is crammed with equipment. Harry is loading half a pound of marijuana into what looks to be an industrial vacuum cleaner, that’s designed not only to suck, but to blow its contents through a hose. Cecil is passing the hose up to Trevor, who swearing under his breath, is wearing a highly experimental surveillance devise known as a “hat-cam” on his head, which hampers his own vision. Pushing the hose upwards to an partially open window and clenching a boom microphone disguised as a mop, he is precariously balanced on top of Lloyd’s shoulders, who’s wearing a small TV monitor around his neck. The two of them are acting as a team in an attempt to get the band’s response and reactions to the forced entry of the marijuana. Cecil is barking out orders when Harry, who after feeding the machine, has been acting as the lookout, turns suddenly and knocks into Lloyd, whose knee knocks against the machine and switches the power to suck. Trevor looses his grip on the microphone, slamming it against the building, and leaving it wedged in the window frame, out of arms’ reach. The hose is wantonly sucking anything that gets in its way. Fortunately the band doesn’t realize this invasion of privacy, because due to its own incompetence, the squad had positioned itself outside of the wrong window and so the hose is only sucking up odds and ends in an empty room. Unluckily for the squad, the vacuum machine is shooting the half a pound of pot out of an exhaust pipe, littering the street below with a shower of marijuana. The doorman quickly appears again and begins to sweep up the pot. The squad are finally able to turn the machine off and scramble down the scaffolding, to think of a new strategy.
Tom and the band are rehearsing for their first gig. Elyse is snuggling up to Tom who is enjoying the attention as B.B. Elliot lays down a vicious riff in the middle of a guitar solo. Suddenly, Sammy begins a drum solo, which provokes an argument. Sammy claims that B.B. went on too long with his solo and that it was time for the drum solo. Lance immediately defends B.B. and launches into a tirade against Sammy. Dr. Rave ignores both of them, opens up a box of chocolate bon bons and begins to rapidly pop them into his mouth in a non-stop motion. B.B. has seen this all too often an unplugs his guitar to assume a familiar role as mediator. Nothing can calm Sammy down. He’s totally incensed. He carries on about the fact that no one appreciates him. Lance continues to wind him up and B.B. has had enough. He turns to ask Tom to intervene, but find Tom and Elyse kissing passionately. He quietly tries to get Tom’s attention, but he’s miles away. Sammy and Lance notice the intense embrace and stop arguing. The band decide to take a break and begin to walk out of the room, returning only to grab Dr. Rave, who’s still eating his bon bons.
Twine is loitering outside Bobby Newsome’s office clutching the COMFY video in his hands. Bobby is on the phone with one of the channel’s major advertisers, reassuring them that MVBC is not officially advocating anything but freedom of music. Breaking out into a smile, he thanks them for their continued support and hangs up the phone. Twine sensing that this is the moment to show Bobby the COMFY video, knocks on his door. Twine begins by telling him that he’s proud to be associated with people who allow such a great deal of latitude with the videos that they broadcast. He adds that they have a great responsibility to the young people of the country to provide a wide variety of music videos. Before he can go any further, Bobby’s phone rings again, it’s a call that he must take. He tells Twine that they’ll have to continue the conversation at another time.
Twine returns to his office and retrieves the new video scenario from a drawer in his desk. As he starts reading, he emits a high pitch whistle from between his teeth. He grabs his filo-fax, rifles through some pages, picks up the phone and calls JACQUES HALLER, at Flashpaper Productions.
Braign returns to his house to find his two teenage daughters hosting a slumber party. It’s been a long day and Braign is visibly beat, but that doesn’t stop his giant Alsatian dog from jumping up on him, putting his paws onto his shoulders and madly licking his face. His wife, LARRAINE, shoos the dog away, leads Braign into the kitchen and serves him dinner. Their conversation is usually stilted, but tonight Braign is excited because of his campaign’s progress and the pressure that is on him. Music from the living room suddenly blares out, and to Braign’s horror, it’s Tom Strong and the Strongmen. He rushes into the living room, where he’s met once again by his dog, who starts to bark excitedly. Braign tries to get the dog to stop barking, as the five teenage girls who are all sitting around the television set watching one of Tom’s videos on MVBC, join in the mayhem. Braign’s wife finally gets the dog under control and leads him out of the room. Before anyone of them can say anything, Braign turns the television off. The girls scream out their indignation and Braign finds himself backed up against the TV. He tries to quiet down the girls by promising to buy them ice cream. They don’t want ice cream, they want to watch Tom Strong. Braign asks why they would want to watch an ancient rock star who’s old enough to be their father. They reply that the music is great and the video is fun to watch. He then tries to appease the girls by showing them the new COMFY video. He tells them that they’re in for a treat, because this particular video isn’t on television yet. The girls start gabbing excitedly, Braign puts the video on play and the girls immediately hate it. His daughters beg him to turn it off. He can’t understand it. This is good clean safe music, what more could they possibly want. As the girls whining builds to an uncomfortable pitch, Braign begins to wildly stagger around the living room in panic, knocking knic knacs off tables. Before he can cause any more damage, his wife grabs him and leads him back to the kitchen and tries to calm him down, but as they enter the kitchen the dog begins to bark again and Braign screams out at the top of his lungs in frustration.
Two figures thrash about on a bed in a darkened room. The phone begins to ring and a hand blindly reaches out and picks up the receiver. Yawning a hello, Tom’s voice suddenly changes to a clear tone and turns on the light. He and Elyse are naked under the covers and his wife Jacqueline is on the phone. Hearing Tom utter Jacqueline’s name, Elyse slides off the bed, puts on a robe and quietly tip toes to the bathroom. Trying to be as nonchalant as possible under the circumstances, Tom fills in Jacqueline about the press conference and good reactions that they’ve been receiving for their videos. When asked if there was someone in the room with him, Tom mumbles that it must be her imagination. Of course he misses her and wishes she was there with him. She in turn tells him that Jilly McKernan will be arriving any day with the new T-shirts, and that she was thinking of joining her. Tom quickly blurts out that it wouldn’t be such a good idea, but in fact it would be more advantageous if she came after a few weeks, so that the show would be in better shape for her to see it. Jacqueline does not mind if the show is a bit shaky, she wants to see Tom. He reassures her in his best
soothing voice that he loves her, but wants to be certain that when she does come, they can spend a lot of quality time together. Jacqueline agrees with Tom and tells him she’ll call again tomorrow. Tom hangs up and lets out a big breath of air.
Elyse comes out of the bathroom and gently confronts Tom. Perhaps it wasn’t very appropriate for them to rekindle their old affair. Tom confesses that he’s somewhat confused about all that’s been happening, but wants Elyse to stay with him for the night. She takes the receiver off the phone puts it into the nightstand drawer and turns off the light.
Twine is driving along a dark winding road, his visibility not being helped by pelting rain beating so hard, that the car’s windshield wipers have a hard time keeping up with it. This is not his kind of weather, and his nervous actions speak for themselves. Squinting his eyes, he tries to make out various road signs, but, it’s too dark. He finally arrives at a dark foreboding town house on the outskirts of London.
Entering the house, he tries to makes his way through a film crew that is in full action. Large 10K lights are being wheeled into position, as a director of photography barks out orders. Twine looks up to see Jacques Haller standing with KARL PIEDMONT, the director. The two of them are discussing the scenario. Twine starts to walk over to them and as he approaches them, trips over a pile of heavy cable laid out on the floor. Lying in a prone position, he picks up his head to see a pair of black patent leather high heels. Looking up all the way, he sees the imperial figure of Margaret Dilly standing over him. Quickly getting to his feet, he apologizes for his clumsiness and compliments her on choice in shoes. She gives him a contemptuous look and walks away to greet Lord Marquand, who has just arrived on set. Twine picks himself up and joins Haller and Karl. They continue to discuss the scenario. It’s an updated version of “Reefer Madness”. As they deliberate, a group of actors walk onto the set. They’re dressed in a sort of postmodern hippie look. Some of the women are wearing six-inch platform shoes and have to be assisted to get to their marks.
A production assistant approaches Haller and asks if he has the prop marijuana that they will be using. Karl, the director becomes incensed over this information. He demands that the real thing be used. Hearing this, Twine gets very nervous, because of the presence of Margaret Dilly and Lord Marquand. Haller trying to mollify Karl and Twine at the same time, says they can use the real thing, because as far as Dilly and Marquand are concerned, they’re so straight that they’ll never be able to tell the difference between hay and the real thing. Haller also emphasizes the fact that they’re all under pressure due to the short amount of time they have. Faced with the possibility of not being able to finish the film, Twine gives the okay to use real marijuana. Karl offers his own killer stash to be used in the filming.
Gathering all the actors together, Karl tells them that in order for the spontaneity to show on camera, he wants to forego the usual rehearsal and start filming right away. He places some actors dressed in expensive casual wear in their first position. He tells them that they’re at a party and are chatting politely until the arrival of a group of crazed drug fiends. Karl returns to his chair by the camera and yells for action.
The party begins, quiet music is playing in the background. The actors are talking amongst themselves, when Karl gives a visual cue for the “hippie” actors to enter.
The “hippies” invade the living room to the shock of the party guests. The music suddenly changes to loud searing rock ‘n roll. They plunk themselves down on various couches and chairs and begin to smoke humongous spliffs. Smoke is billowing out of their mouths like a chimney, and the “hippie” men begin to leer lasciviously at the straight women.
During this early part of the filming, Margaret Dilly and Lord Marquand are keeping their eyes glued on the proceedings, which is of great comfort to Twine, who as usual, is as nervous as ever. As huge puffs of smoke start to infiltrate the off camera area where they’re standing, Margaret puts her note pad away, grabs a folding chair and sits down. Marquand is obviously affected by the potent smoke and begins to teeter unsteadily. He grabs Twine to prevent himself from falling, but Marquand’s weight is too much for Twine and he crumbles under the pressure. As Twine starts to collapse, he too is enveloped by a huge puff of smoke, inducing a coughing fit. Marquand loses his grip on Twine and falls into Margaret’s lap.
The party carries on and now the hippie men are tearing the clothes off the straight women. The straight men have had smoke forced into them by the hippie women and are now engaged in wild sex. Karl gives another visual gesture which cues the cast to start knocking the furniture over. People begin to pass out, but they are awakened by lines of cocaine, which are forced up their noses by a customized “dust buster”, which has been altered to blow its contents out. Karl yells for a cut. The makeup personnel apply prosthetics to the actors, which gives the impression of rapid aging. The crew strips the living room set, lays down soft foam mattresses, and recovers them with carpeting. This makes normal walking almost impossible, as everyone who attempts it nearly falls over. Haller reminds everyone that time is short and the actors go back on the set.
Yelling for action, Karl in his enthusiasm grabs a joint himself and begins to pass it among the crew. The party is now at a fever pitch. The actors are now alternating between smoking joints and popping pills. The straight men are shooting themselves up with syringes from bags marked “heroin”.
The joint has now reached Margaret and Marquand, who are now sharing a chair. Without thinking, Marquand grabs the joint and takes a big hit, and exhales the smoke into Margaret Dilly’s open mouth. Twine is completely shocked and begins to slink away from them, when he begins to feel the effects from the marijuana smoke. Eyeing a chair off the side of the room, he creeps over to it, plops himself into it and falls asleep.
Karl is loving every moment of the action. Checking his stopwatch, he glances one more time at the chaos on the set and then yells for a cut. The cameraman checks the gate and Karl yells for a wrap. The actors jump up a bit shaky and congratulate each other. As the crew begins to strike the set Marquand is seen approaching Karl. He mumbles something about how he really appreciated Karl’s work, but wonders if there’s any prop marijuana left over.
The morning sun streams through the curtains of Tom’s hotel windows. Tom is sleeping peacefully, when loud knocking is heard at the door. Tom’s eyes squint open for a moment and sees Elyse sleeping contently. Glancing at the digital clock radio, he sees that it’s 7:15 in the morning. He grabs the pillow and puts it over his head, but the knocking continues. Gruffly calling out that he’s coming, Tom throws the blanket off the bed, grabs a robe and staggers to the door. Fumbling with the key, he manages to unlock the door, and opens it. Before he can react, the sprightly athletic figure of Jilly McKernan jumps into his arms and kisses him all over. Tom is confused and so is Jilly when she sees whose arms she’s in.
Apologizing profusely, she says she thought that it was B.B’s room, and that she wanted to surprise him. Tom tells her that B.B’s room is down the hall, but before he can get her out of the suite, Jilly excitedly tells Tom that she has the new T-shirts, and she can’t wait to show Tom the new designs. She barges past him, into the bedroom and tosses one of her suitcases onto the bed. Elyse groans loudly and Jilly seeing Elyse, gives Tom a slow burning look. Tom attempts to explain Elyse’s presence by saying that she’s an old friend and they were just talking and it got late and so she stayed over. There was nothing more to it. Jilly scrunches up her face, shakes her head and walks out of the room.
Tom realizing the mess that he’s in, starts nervously pacing the room. He stops and asks Elyse if she thinks that Jilly believed the story. Elyse asks Tom what he thinks. He takes a big gulp of air, lets it out slowly and continues to pace. He stops again and asks Elyse to do him a big favor, which would be to call Jacqueline and tell her the same story that he just told Jilly. Elyse suggests that Tom tell her the truth, which is they got together and had a brief fling and that it was over. Snapping his fingers, he readily agrees with her, until he realizes that Elyse said it was over. Before he can say anything more, she reiterates that it’s the only way that the three of them can remain friends. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Tom starts getting a bit jittery and finally makes up his mind to fax his wife instead. Feeling confident about this new strategy, he crawls back into bed with Elyse.
Twine wakes up to find himself alone in the house and his body contorted in a small chair. Attempting to look around, he realizes that he has a stiff neck. Gingerly, he starts to unwind his body and is finally able to get off the chair. Scanning the living room, he sees the results of the previous night’s chaos. Couches and chairs are turned up on their sides, vases and plants have been knocked over, and a giant stain of some kind of liquid lies embedded in the carpet.
Stumbling around, trying to knock the cobwebs out of his head, he comes to a wheeled table with stacks of scripts lying all over it. Rummaging through a pile, he discovers some boxer shorts. Looking quizzically at the shorts, he suddenly feels around his own trousers and then discovers that the shorts are actually his. Just as he’s walking out of the house, he meets the C.O.M.F.Y. Squad, who violently grab him, throw him up against a wall and frisk him. Twine can’t believe what’s happening to him. He tries to tell the men who he is, in fact he attempts to remind them, that they should know who he is, because they’ve already met. Finally this information sets in and they stop harassing Twine. Cecil, in an off handed way apologizes to Twine and tells him that the men are just doing their duty. When asked by Twine what that duty might be, Cecil replies that they are on the premises as security for a film that is to be shot that morning. Twine corrects them by informing them that they’re exactly twelve hours late, and that the film was shot the previous night. Beaming proudly, the men remark that at least they were precisely twelve hours late and not a moment sooner or later. Puzzled, Twine gives the men a bemused look, shakes his head and returns to the conversation. He tells the men that they should continue on their original assignment, whatever it might be, and if they happen to see Braign tell him that the filming was a success, but that new information has surfaced about Tom Strong’s CD. The squad pledge their allegiance to C.O.M.F.Y and promise to perform this new duty without fail. The Squad then break off into a complex salute maneuver, which completely baffles Twine, who leaves before its completion.
As Twine is walking back to the driveway, he’s almost knocked over by the Squad who are hurriedly pushing a wheelbarrow filled with marijuana. opening up the back of a black van with black tinted windows, they dump the wheelbarrow and its contents into it, then jump into the van and wildly drive off. Downtown London is bristling with early morning commuter activity. A crane shot rises and pans slowly, showing a panorama of the neighboring area, stopping at an unruly mob picketing the downtown headquarters of Powerhouse Music and Video. Carrying protest signs that read “Don’t Advertise if You Don’t Have the Product”, and “We Want Tom” the mob is chanting “Give Us Strength, Give Us Strength”. Attempting to make their way through this riotous crowd are Charlie Fischer and Joe Manno. Charlie is incensed by Joe’s failure to deliver the new CD. As they near the front doors, the crowd surges towards them and they just barely make it inside the building before the angry mob swallows them up.
Inside the store, frightened employees help the two men up on to their feet. Charlie implores Joe to persuade the crowd to disband. Realizing that he has very little choice, Joe takes a few deep breaths, grabs a megaphone, opens the door a crack and slips outside.
Seeing Joe, the crowd begin to smell blood, but Joe yells out greetings from the band, which momentarily stuns the crowd into silent confusion. Acting quickly, he introduces himself as the band’s manager and tells the mob that he and the band are also upset by the delayed arrival of the long awaited CD. The crowd suddenly break out into questions about the delivery of the CD. Joe attempting to placate the unruly crowd, abruptly comes upon the idea of offering free tickets to the band’s first concert to anyone having the same birth date as Tom or the guys in the band. The crowd engulf Joe.
Tom is sitting at his desk, pondering over a fax to Jacqueline, when a knock is heard at the door. Looking for any excuse to interrupt this difficult task, he puts the writing paper away and goes to the door. Expecting no on in particular, his face freezes when he sees the slight figure of Jilly McKernan leaning up against the door frame. After a moments pause, both of them start speaking simultaneously. They both stop and start again. Finally, Tom breaks the pattern and tells Jilly that nothing seriously is going on with him and Elyse, but he is in the process of writing a fax to Jacqueline, because they have always promised never to keep secrets between them. Jilly expresses her relief to him adding that she didn’t want to be in the unenviable position of having to inform her friend about her husband’s indiscretion. Tom reassures Jilly that he is after all a family man and the last thing that he’s interested in is having a bunch of girlfriends.
As Tom escorts Jilly out of the room, they are met in the hallway by a pretty young woman, who rushes up to Tom as soon as she sees him. Jilly gives Tom a sideways glance, but Tom is apparently confused by the actions of this young woman. The woman goes on to say that she’s so impressed by all of Tom’s Lps and that she always wanted to meet him. Tom seems to be puzzled about her identity. The young woman realizes this and blurts out that she’s ELLEN PIERCE from P.A.M.P and that David Sherwood sent her. Upon hearing this information, both Tom and Jilly perk their heads up. She tells them that David had been trying without success to reach Tom, because he has negotiated a formal debate on Sally Hansen’s talk show against Dr. Aziz.
Tom excuses himself to the two women and explains that he better go and review some notes if he wanted to be sharp for the debate, earlier that evening.
Dr. Rave’s hotel room has been transformed into a miniature version of his studio/workshop on the island. Long work tables, jammed with racks filled with graphic equalizers, samplers, reverb boxes, and random computer parts, run along the walls of the room. The original bed has been taken out and replaced with a Japanese futon which is covered with a messy pile of keyboard magazines. The room itself is constantly occupied by Dr. Rave and the other members of the band, who use the room more like a clubhouse. Sammy Walberg is somewhat tranced out, drumming on his practice pads, while Lance absent mindedly is snapping beer bottle tops out of the window. The doctor is tinkering with the inner workings of a clock radio. The ringing of the fax phone brings all three out of their doldrums. Flinging paper off a corner of one of the tables, they locate the fax machine. A broad smile comes to their faces as they read the fax aloud. The duplicating process had finally been restored and the rest of the CD’s are ready for shipment to England that night. After letting the phone ring incessantly in attempt to reach Tom, Sammy decides to give Elyse a call and tell her the good
news.
Surrounded by a sea of excited fans, Joe is being assaulted by a wide range of people for tickets to the group’s first gig. As the mob simultaneously shout out their respective birth dates to Joe, he realizes that this was not the best avenue to take to calm them down. As the crowd press closer to him, Joe suddenly sees a possibility of escape in the form of a taxi cab that has stopped near him to let off a passenger. Joe begins to edge forward, grabs an envelope filled with receipts from his inside jacket pocket, tells the mob that it’s filled with free tickets and throws it into the crowd. As the throng make for the envelope, Joe slips away from them and makes it to the cab.
Twine is sitting in his office at MVBC, in a bit of a panic. It’s been hours since he gave the video to the C.O.M.F.Y. squad, but he still hasn’t heard from Braign. He keeps looking at his phone, praying out loud for it to ring. Finally, he can’t stand it any longer and decides to call Braign himself. His panic is momentarily curtailed by Elyse, who is walking down the hallway with a colleague discussing the long awaited delivery of Tom’s CD. Twine learns that the shipment is indeed arriving that night direct from Strong’s island. With this new information in hand, Twine is convinced that the shipment is none other than a large amount of marijuana disguised as a shipment of CDs. He promptly dials C.O.M.F.Y Headquarters.
The central switchboard at C.O.M.F.Y. headquarters is an old fashioned devise, straight out of the 1950′s. Manned by four woman operators, the sound emanating from the room, is like being in the middle of a chicken coop at feeding time. The din is so loud, it’s a wonder that the operators can hear anything. Twine’s call comes in and he’s transferred to Braign’s office. After what seems like an eternity, the phone is finally answered by a secretary who informs Twine that Braign is not in his office. Before Twine can ask if she can take a message, she transfers him once again, back to the central switchboard. His call is answered immediately, but before he can get anything out of his mouth, he’s put directly on hold. While waiting for someone to pick up, he begins to vacillate between hanging up or holding, and just as he decides to hang up, the operator’s voice can be heard. Swooping the receiver away from the cradle, he jams it into his ear and asks if he can leave a message for Braign. The operator informs him that Mr. Braign is not in the office, but that he is at the dentist and can be reached only after one o’clock on his cellular phone. Twine thanks her profusely and hangs up.
Grabbing the fax, Sammy runs out of Dr. Rave’s room to go tell Tom the good news. While walking down the passage way, he runs into Joe Manno, whose clothes are tattered in shreds. When asked what happened, Joe can barely speak, he just wants to get to Tom’s room. They both stand outside Tom’s
door and knock. When there is no immediate response, Joe grits his teeth and begins to aggressively pound the door. Sammy is obviously surprised and tries to calm Joe down. Tom’s voice smacks of impatience as he approaches the door. Joe seems to be oblivious to the sound of Tom’s voice, as he persists in pounding at the door, even after Tom opens it. Seeing the state that Joe is in, Tom grabs a hold of him and leads him to a chair inside the room. After taking a cool drink of water, Joe begins to unwind a bit and starts to recount the story of what happened to him at the music and video store. During his narrative, he’s interrupted several times by Sammy, who tries to get a word in edge ways about the fax from the island. Joe is getting somewhat irate towards Sammy, because he’s desperately trying to finish his story. Finally, he relates that he got away only by throwing his receipts at the hungry mob.
After a low whistle by Tom, Sammy sensing that the time is right, blurts out the information about the repair of the duplicating process for the CD. Joe looks at him incredulously, and realizes that he could have avoided all the hassles at Powerhouse, if he had known earlier about the CD. Even though he was hearing good news, Joe begins to walk around Tom’s room like a crazed Frankenstein monster, muttering to himself that the situation should never have happened.
An assortment of whips and chains are hanging from the black dungeon walls as screams of agonized pleasure rip through the room. Tied down to four posts of a small sofa, Richard Braign is dressed in a rubber French maid’s uniform, receiving a whipping from a professional mistress, when the soft ringing of a cellular phone starts to be heard. Softly rubbing his reddening butt, his mistress pulls up his panties, locates the phone, pushes the talk button and puts it up to Braign’s face, which he then cradles between his ear and his shoulder. Clearing his throat, he attempts to sound as normal as possible. Realizing that it’s Twine on the phone, Braign isn’t very pleased that he reached him on the cellular, until Twine divulges that he just found out through the grapevine that the shipment that Strong was expecting was due in later that evening. Absolutely elated with this information, Braign lets out a little laugh that suddenly changes into a high pitched squeal, as his mistress inserts a dildo up his butt. On the other end of the line, Twine asks if anything is wrong. Braign in turn tells him that it’s just the Novocain wearing off. Twine continues to brief Braign and asks him if he received the tapes from the C.O.M.F.Y. Squad. Letting out a low sigh and shuddering with pleasure, his mistress now strokes the dildo back and forth, and Braign asks Twine if they can continue the conversation at a later time, because he’s still in a bit of pain. Twine reluctantly concedes, and Braign agrees to call him back when his pain wears off.
The television studio is buzzing with activity. Studio cameras are being rolled into their respective positions while cable men do their best to keep the heavy cable out of the way of the cameras’ wheels. Tom and his entourage, comprised of David Sherwood, Elyse, Joe Manno and the band are walking around, trying to find somebody from the station to direct them to their dressing room. Finally, Sally Hansen appears with her producer and a makeup artist in tow. The makeup artist is trying to powder her face, while she is listing complaints about her staff to her producer. She becomes quite upset when she sees Tom and the group just walking aimlessly around the set. She rushes up and immediately starts to apologize for the disorganization. Aggressively turning on her producer, she tells him that these types of problems are repeatedly happening and that her entire staff should be replaced. She apologizes again and leaves in a huff. The producer looks to Tom and gives him a somewhat sheepish look, and then runs off to follow Sally. Joe takes the lead and tells the group that he’ll organize the dressing room. The group follows him as he takes them on a unintended tour of backstage.
As the group wanders about they come face to face with Dr. Farouk Aziz and his assistant, who are also in search of the dressing room. Upon seeing each other, the two main opponents, Tom and Aziz, eye each other coolly. The tension is thick, but then is broken by Tom who shakes his head and starts to laugh. This little maneuver infuriates Aziz, who takes himself and his views extremely seriously. He points an accusing finger at Tom and threatens him with bodily harm if Tom persists in making fun of him. This statement causes everyone in Tom’s party to laugh, and Aziz has to be held back by his assistant. The showdown is broken up by the arrival of two young production assistants who escort each party into their own respective dressing rooms.
Braign has returned to his office and is sitting gingerly at his desk, reviewing his situation. He’s just gotten off the phone with the Customs department and arranged a very pleasant surprise for Tom and the group when they arrive at the airport to pick up their shipment. He gets out from his chair and starts to dance around the office, singing out loud in a sort of Gilbert and Sullivan operatic fashion that this will be the final feather in his cap, the highlight of his long and illustrious career.
He interrupts his own reverie, remembering that he should call Lord Marquand and tell him about his impending success. He places a call to Marquand’s office and is informed by his secretary that he’s not in and can only be reached in case of emergency by his cellular phone. Braign thanks her, hangs up and reaches into his inside coat pocket. He starts to audibly debate whether he should call Marquand. The information he wants to give him might not be construed as an emergency, but then on the other hand, Marquand might be upset if he wasn’t notified as soon as possible. After hemming and hawing for a few moments, Braign decides the information he has warrants the phone call.
An assortment of whips and chains are hanging from the black dungeon walls as screams of agonized pleasure blend in with the sound of whipping and the high tech ring of a cellular phone. A deep audible sigh is heard, as the whipping stops, but then so does the ringing of the phone. After a brief
respite the whipping proceeds, and the screams of pleasure continue.
Braign has a sudden change of heart and has hung up the phone. Talking out loud to himself, he has decided to wait until he has guaranteed his success and then call Marquand. He opts to call the C.O.M.F.Y Squad and update them as to the new strategy.
As Tom is sitting in the green room waiting for his call, he’s being cuddled by Elyse and reviewing the UCLA material with David. Their concentration is broken by Sammy who barges into the room and tells Tom that he’s just been on the phone with Dr. Rave who received a fax from Jacqueline. She’s due to arrive in London that night, accompanying the Cds. Tom immediately jumps up and starts pacing the room, his hands covering his face, visibly worried. Elyse tries to calm him down, but Joe intervenes and advises her that maybe the right thing to do would be to leave Tom alone, so at the very least, he could prepare for the TV show. Tom agrees with Joe, and promises to call Elyse as soon as the program finishes.
The screen is filled with enemy aircraft attacking from all angles. It’s a video game and the sound of Trevor’s voice can be heard saying that an enemy fighter was zeroing in at twelve o’clock. The video cockpit swerves and dives as Cecil warns of another incoming fighter. Suddenly another pair of hands appear and try to wrestle the controls away. The C.O.M.F.Y. Squad are at a video game arcade and have somehow managed to squeeze their bodies, or at least the top half of their bodies into a small video game booth. Unfortunately for them, their butts are sticking out of the booth, making a tempting target for young pickpockets, who are having a field day. Their video diversion is cut short by the ringing of a cellular phone, which at first they can’t locate. After a few seconds, Harry, who had originally been at the game’s control, remembers that the phone is in his pocket, but he can’t get to it. The Squad attempt to contort themselves in order to reach the phone, but to no avail. Finally, they have no other choice but to get out of the booth, until they realize that they’re stuck. The phone continues to ring and the squad start to freak out over the claustrophobic conditions. The entire booth begins to rock back and forth until, the sides of the booth collapse and the Squad is able to extradite themselves from their entanglement. Cecil and Trevor wrestle with each other to get the phone out of Harry’s pants. Several bystanders are nearly knocked over by the tussling men. Finally the phone slides over to Lloyd who answers it.
Braign is on the phone and wants to know where the men are. Lloyd looks around and tells him that they’re at a video arcade. Cecil, hearing this grabs the phone away from Lloyd and explains to Braign, that Lloyd is somewhat confused and that they’re actually at a video editing house, checking the results from the “hat cam”. Braign tells them to forget about it, and get over to the airport, so that they will be able to assist Braign and the police for the bust of Tom and the group.
The hot lights in the TV studio glare off the forehead of Sally Hansen who is just ending a cooking segment to break for commercial. As the prop men clear away the kitchen set, the makeup artist rushes on to the set to attend to Sally, while Tom and David are being escorted to the set by one of the production assistants. At the same time, Dr. Aziz is being led out by the other assistant. The two enemy camps smile politely at each other, but the tension is still there, so much so, that even the self centered Sally picks up the vibes.
After the commercial break, the show resumes again. Sally introduces Tom and David to a thunderous ovation and then Dr. Aziz, who garners some polite applause. Sally sets up the situation, and reminds the audience that Dr. Aziz had appeared on the show last week and had stated that marijuana is dangerous to your health. She goes on to say that Tom and David were appearing on the program to refute that statement.
David picks up Sally’s lead and directly asks Aziz to repeat his exact statement. Aziz smugly smiles and explains that not only did he state that marijuana was more irritant than tobacco smoke and that it also created chromosome and testosterone damage, but due to the shortage of time, he wasn’t able to relate the discoveries from studies with Rhesus monkeys. Aziz pauses for a moment, looks directly at Tom and David and then continues. He recounts that the monkeys after smoking the equivalent of only thirty joints a day, began to atrophy and die after ninety days. Scientists then opened the brains of the dead monkeys, counted the dead brain cells, and then took control monkeys who hadn’t smoked marijuana, killed them and then counted their dead brain cells. At this point, Tom makes a
face like he’s about to get sick, but no, it’s just for comic relief. Aziz, a bit put off by Tom’s antics, proceeds with his report. The pot smoking monkeys had enormous amounts of dead brain cells, compared to the nonsmoking monkeys. He finishes his analysis with the statement that permanent brain damage is one of the inevitable results of the use of marijuana.
David thanks Dr. Aziz for his opinion, and then turns and faces the audience and tells them that there is some information that Dr. Aziz seems to have omitted. Aziz looks at David quizzically. David proceeds to say that because of the American “Freedom of Information” act, P.A.M.P. was able to secure an accurate accounting of the research procedures used in the report. The Rhesus monkeys in question were actually tied down into chairs, then strapped into gas masks and given the equivalent of sixty three Columbian strength joints in five minutes. The monkeys were actually suffocating. The audience reacts to this statement with a startled hush.
Tom jumps in and points out that the report conveniently failed to include the amounts of carbon monoxide the monkeys inhaled during their “smoke-in”. David points out that that carbon monoxide is a deadly gas that kills brain cells and is emitted by any burning object. He adds that three to five minutes of oxygen deprivation causes brain damage. Therefore the findings in this report have no real merit, because carbon monoxide poisoning and other factors were left out. Tom summarizes by saying that this fabled report that Dr. Aziz holds so near to his heart is actually a study in animal asphyxiation and carbon monoxide poisoning. As far as the report that marijuana is more irritant than tobacco, P.A.M.P. discovered that the studies used the broad leaf of the marijuana plant instead of the bud.
Aziz starts to say something but is drowned out by shouting in the audience. Sammy has stirred up the crowd and have them chanting “Monkey Killer!”. This throws Aziz completely out of whack. He gets up from the set and charges up the steps to get to the audience. Sammy sees him coming and steps right in his way, and in his best “New Yorkese” verbally slashes the doctor. Aziz can’t compete word wise with Sammy, so he tries to physically attack him. Fortunately for Sammy, Aziz isn’t in the greatest of shape and after weakly pummeling Sammy with a pinwheel style of punching, totally exhausted, he collapses into a chair and onto the lap of a rather large woman, who envelops the doctor into her arms.
Sally has been taken aback by this childish behavior of Dr. Aziz and tries to regain control of the program. Tom sees that she is somewhat overwhelmed by the belligerent display of the audience, and so he grabs his guitar, which is just backstage and plays a fast up tempo acoustic version of “Cool Your Jets”, one of the band’s first hits. The audience stops the bickering and starts to spontaneously clap along.
Tom finishes the song with the audience singing the last chorus and takes his bows. A relieved Sally finishes up the show and the program finally ends. Tom and David share a platonic hug as Sammy comes up onstage with a good part of the audience to join in the groove. Joe, who had been watching the show on a monitor in the wings has noticed the time and goes to tell Tom that they’ll have to hurry if they want to get to the airport on time to meet the shipment.
Braign has already arrived at an office in the Customs holding department and is meeting with his old Customs associate, Eric Crust and his team of officers. The office has been set up like a war room with strategic maps and charts positioned on the walls. Braign is enthusiastically explaining the procedure of the upcoming operation. As he does so, Crust looks on with a somewhat uneasy look. He’s seen this type of over zealous behavior from his old friend before. Braign notices Crust’s apprehension and attempts to allay his fears by telling him that this operation is a guaranteed success going in. Crust begrudgingly gives his endorsement to Braign’s scheme. Feeling confident, Braign resumes giving the details. Since this is a top priority action, he gives the customs officers carte blanche as to their dealings with the Strong shipment. He warns the officers that there might be additional smuggling attempts at normal Customs and so he wants them to pay particular attention to anything out of the ordinary, especially any suspicious looking younger people.
The meeting is abruptly interrupted by the arrival of Dennis Twine, who having great difficulty handling Braign’s giant Alsatian, who is straining at the leash. His appearance causes the other dogs to start barking and the room takes on the semblance of a kennel. As soon as the Alsatian sees Braign, he makes a beeline towards him. Twine can’t control the dog and looses his grip on the leash and Braign soon finds himself being licked all over his face. Crust immediately want to know why this dog was included in Braign’s plans. Braign jumps to the dog’s defense and says that because this mission is seek and destroy, he could think of no better animal or person for that matter to accomplish the deed.
The traffic is backed up on the main motorway leading to the airport. Inside their limousine, the band is killing time by taking turns with a Game Boy, while Tom, still grooving on an emotional high after the television show, is discussing the possible repercussions of his appearance with Joe.
Lance, having no luck with the game, concedes defeat, yawns and looks out the window in boredom. He sees a variety of different cars and their passengers, when his eyes lock onto the cab of a rented box truck. Lloyd is at the wheel, but is being hassled by Trevor, who is standing outside on the running board. An argument seems to be taking place inside the cab as well, as a open faced map is being trashed around. Lance lets out a laugh and draws everyone’s attention to the altercation. Sammy yells out to their own chauffeur that he’s lucky not to have been given the job of driving that truck. The chauffeur looks over to the truck, raises his nose and returns his gaze to the front of the road. Sammy elicits a dumb sophomoric laugh from the group, and a few seconds later, the traffic finally begins to move.
The offices at MVBC are nearly abandoned when Elyse returns later that evening. Feeling somewhat depressed, she walks into her own office, and begins to write Tom a letter, when she’s startled by the abrupt appearance of a mail boy. Apologizing for frightening her, he tells her that a tape was just delivered to the mailroom addressed to Dennis Twine, and he came upstairs to see if he was still in the office. Elyse takes the tape and tells the mail boy that she’ll deal with it.
Tom, the band and Joe come in to Heathrow arrivals to find themselves walking into a crowd of about twenty waiting people and no less than seventy five relatives from the English field hockey team. The relatives hold “Welcome Home” signs in their upright arms and start to press forward toward the window partition, separating the admittance area to the arrivals hall.
Inside the Customs hall, the officers are slowly scrutinizing the contents of everyone’s luggage. Following orders, they’re targeting younger people and are pressuring even the field hockey team, who aren’t too pleased with the welcome that they’re getting. One of the officers has seized upon a field hockey stick and saws it in half to see if its hollow. This action enrages the national coach, who demands that the team be reimbursed for the stick.
Tom cranes his neck in order to see over the heads and shoulders in front of him, but starts to get caught in the crush. Knifing through the crowd, he manages to find a small open area in a corner of the hall, where Joe and the rest of the band are standing. He reprimands the group, telling them
that they’ll have to brave the throng if they’re to find Jacqueline. Sammy tries to explain to Tom that Jacqueline is after all his wife, and if anybody has to deal with the crowd, it’s Tom. Dr. Rave, who had been minding his own business, eating bon bons, comes to the rescue and tells everybody to follow him. The doctor’s cannon ball figure cuts through the crowd like a tank breaking down walls. As the people in the crowd are being shoved away, someone suddenly recognizes Tom and the band. An excited murmur washes through the arrival hall, but the doctor continues to plow through until he’s a few feet away from the sliding glass admittance door. Just as it seems like the crowd will envelop them, Jacqueline emerges from the door pushing a cart. Before she can even greet anyone, she’s picked up, put in the cart and wheeled away.
Charlie Fischer is in the waiting zone of the Customs holding area. He’s frustrated and is pacing back and forth, because he can see the crates sitting on their palettes in plain sight, but they’re still in the bonded area and haven’t been cleared yet. Just as he’s about to take another cup of coffee from a vending machine, his spirits brighten when he observes a group of Customs officers walk into the holding area and approach the palettes. His momentary joy turns to grief when he sees the officers begin to pry open some of the crates using crowbars.
Tom and the band arrive to see the crates being broken up by the officers. Charlie rushes up to Joe and demands to know what’s going on. Joe is just as confused as Charlie is and tells him that the shipment should have been inspected hours ago. They all look aghast as they see the officers removing armfuls of CDs. Tom is getting angry at these harassment tactics and starts asking in a loud voice if there’s an official on hand to answer any questions pertaining to Customs. Sammy gets up and starts to poke around in the back of the counter. Just at that moment, the escalating sound of howling dogs starts to be heard in the background. Everyone looks up to see Twine bursting into the holding area followed by Braign’s Alsatian, four other dogs from the Customs department and the dogs’ handlers. Chaos
totally ensues as Braign comes running in with Eric Crust and the rest of his team with their guns drawn. Twine is cowering in a corner, begging anyone to call the dogs off. The handlers grab the leashes and lead the dogs over to the now opened crates. The dogs move in and around the crates,
as the other officers continue looking inside the CD boxes. Braign grabs a sledge hammer and taking aim at a pile of CDs, he raises the hammer above his head. Everyone in the waiting room cries out in astonishment. Braign sees them, grins broadly at Tom and brutally slams it down on the pile with
all of his strength. Shards of plastic fly through the air and Braign is left looking down at broken pieces of CDs, and screaming out that there must be marijuana hidden somewhere, the C.O.M.F.Y. Squad’s rented box truck suddenly comes careening through the giant warehouse doors. As it screeches to a halt, the truck turns, slides to its right and spins out. The centrifugal force of the turn drops the truck’s tailgate and hurls out its contents. The C.O.M.F.Y Squad are too busy arguing with each other inside the cab to know that three of the twenty large canvas sacks they’re carrying have fallen to the ground. One of the sacks splits open to reveal bulging bales of marijuana, sealed in plastic.
The police arrive to investigate the crash and find Braign hanging onto the open truck door and berating the C.O.M.F.Y Squad. A quick series of events has the police discovering that the marijuana was driven in by the Squad and was ordered to do so by Braign. Braign can’t believe what he’s hearing.
His whole world is crashing down on him, he becomes unbalanced, twitching uncontrollably. As the police close in on him, he starts to scream that it’s Strong who they should be after. He tries to bring to their attention that Strong’s CD is manufactured from polymerized hemp hurds. The police
grab him and while he’s being handcuffed, Braign says that actually Strong should be the one at odds with the law because he’s illegally transporting controlled substances across international borders. A policeman gives him a blank look. Braign tells the police that he’s a government official on a
top secret project, but he’s ignored. Braign demands to be freed. He looks for Twine and can only whisper his name but he’s no where in sight. Eric Crust gives him a sympathetic look as Braign is led to an awaiting squad car. The C.O.M.F.Y Squad watch Braign go and they all remark that they
always suspected that he was up to no good. They should never have let their sister marry him. As they review their lives in retrospect, two policemen grab them and lead them away to a police van.
The weekly staff meeting at MVBC is taking place. The staff have assembled and Elyse discloses that they have recently received a very interesting video. The room darkens and the image of a wild swinging party plays on the screen. The video is shot at extreme angles amid an odd assortment of other shots including an upside down shot. It’s edited using a hurky -jerky type of pace. The music sounds like an advertisement for “The Greatest Hits of Feedback”, a distorted guitar track drones on eerily in the background. A great cloud of smoke covers the frame and when it lifts, Twine is seen in
the foreground dancing half naked with a very enthusiastic Margaret Dilly. Lord Marquand cuts in and dances off with Margaret, but Twine continues to dance. A quick cut to a close up of lines of cocaine on a mirror follows, then a cut back to Twine dancing by himself. The scene cuts to a young woman smoking a hookah and blowing the smoke into Twine’s face, followed by another close up of the cocaine mirror and cutting back to Twine’s solo dance. A caption appears across the screen that reads, “You don’t want to end up like this do you? Drugs. Leave home without them”. The screening room erupts in laughter. Twine is so embarrassed that he can’t speak. The fact that Karl Piedmont directed brings more gales of laughter, as he’s thought of as one of the worst directors of his generation. Other staff members kid Twine about his method style of acting and ask if he’s been invited to join the Royal Shakespearean Company. Bobby ends the nonsense by explaining to Twine that he has no other choice but to let him go. Once the station’s advertisers get wind of the video, it’ll become a moot point. Bobby goes on to say that it’s not personal, but it’s the best for all concerned parties. As Twine is getting up to leave, Bobby informs him that the police have called and want Twine for questioning about a major drug cartel.
Back on the island, the camera tracks slowly down the passageway that’s walls are lined with framed photos and articles. It stops at a section of the wall to see a framed cover photo from Rolling Stone Magazine. The photo shows Tom and the band exercising with Nautilus equipment as the headline
reads, “Take Strength, a Healthy Alternative”. The camera continues to slowly track seeing a framed platinum record of “Take Strength”, it moves on and stops at another framed article, from Life Magazine. The article features photos of Tom and government officials standing in hemp fields,
with the headline reading, “Out to Save the World!”. The camera proceeds to track down the passageway, as the sound of music is heard louder. It’s the end of a song, building up to its final crescendo, but the last note is hit on five different beats, and the band enjoy a hearty laugh.
The camera tracks down a prison corridor, as door are being slid closed, and lights are being turned off. Several unseen prisoners begin to shout for their neighbors to shut up. As the camera proceeds to move down the corridor, a faint sound begins to grow louder. Mixed in with yells for quiet is the distinct sound of Braign’s voice directing the C.O.M.F.Y Squad and Twine to sing “How Much is that Doggie in the Window”, as the picture fades to black.
THE END
HEMP © THE UNSOLD STORY
(HEMPORARILY OUT OF SERVICE)
an original treatment for film
May 31, 1994
BRIEF MAIN CHARACTER DESCRIPTION
TOM STRONG: A handsome extroverted charismatic singer with a good sense of humor in his late forties. A charmer of women, he’s concerned not only for their rights, but the rights of men and women alike to help save the planet.
SAMMY WALBERG: A wiry hot tempered, sometimes obnoxious New Yorker, with a wicked sense of humor. He’s always on edge, due to his constant attempts to give up smoking cigarettes. A top notch drummer in his mid forties, he’s known for his elaborate drum fills.
DR. RAVE: An obese artistically prone, French keyboard player, a technical genius with a soft heart in his late forties. A flamboyant dresser, and a lover of bon bons, hardly a moment goes by when he’s not eating one.
LANCE GRIZZARD: A laid back southern Californian ex-surfer bass player in his mid forties. In spite of his on going friendly feud with Sammy, he always keeps an optimistic outlook on life.
B.B. ELLIOT: A legendary English guitarist in his late forties, with a passion for music. Self effacing, with a high regard for privacy. He rarely speaks, but when he does, everyone in the band listens.
JOE MANNO: A pushy, New Yorker in his mid fifties. Tom’s business manager is successful due to being involved in every minute detail of a project. An extremely accommodating negotiator.
RICHARD “DICK” BRAIGN: Director of Committee On Morality For Youth. A civil servant who has risen above his abilities. An insecure megalomaniac, he is given to sudden delusions of grandeur, that can turn into infantile tantrums at a moment’s notice. Early fifties.
DENNIS TWINE: An obnoxious, but cowardly upper class twit, head of the Censor department at MVBC. A man in his mid thirties, he has the unsettling habit of being the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time.
ELYSE NAPIER: An attractive associate producer at Music Video Broadcasting Corporation in her late thirties. Carrying an old torch for Tom, puts her in potential conflict with her old friend, Tom’s wife.
HARRY (C.O.M.F.Y SQUAD): A brawny, punch drunk ex-boxer, stupid, but with a big heart in his early fifties.
TREVOR (C.O.M.F.Y SQUAD): A small swarthy rat like man, devious but not too bright in his late thirties.
LLOYD (C.O.M.F.Y SQUAD): A friendly goofy looking fair haired tall man in his mid forties. He’s slow to speak and slow to think.
CECIL (C.O.M.F.Y SQUAD): A soft pudgy man with menacingly smiling eyes, in his early fifties. He’s potentially the most dangerous of any of the C.O.M.F.Y Squad.
CHARLIE FISHER: Manager of Powerhouse Music and Video stores, in his late thirties. He is a constant worrier, and has a fatalistic approach to life.
LORD MARQUAND: Powerful member of the government’s re-election committee. He’s a large arrogant man with a frog like face in his early sixties.
OTHER FEATURED CHARACTERS:
BOBBY NEWSOME: Youthful(30′s), but shrewd executive vice president at MVBC.
DR. FAROUK AZIZ: Mid eastern discredited cannabis researcher. (early 50′s)
JACQUELINE STRONG: Tom’s beautiful and sensible wife. (late 30′s)
MARGARET DILLY: Plain, tight lipped ass’t secretary at C.O.M.F.Y (mid 40′s)
MISCHA STEINBRENNER: Tom’s composed German tour manager. (mid 50′s)
SALLY HANSEN: Self centered TV talk show host. (early 30′s)
DAVID SHERWOOD: Head of London chapter of People Against Marijuana
Prohibition. (early 40′s)
JACQUES HALLER: Shady executive producer at Flashpaper Film Productions
(early 30′s)
KARL PIEDMONT: Spaced out artsy film director. (early 60′s)
LARRAINE BRAIGN: Braign’s wife, soft and understanding. (mid 40′s)
JILLY McKERNAN: B.B Elliot’s petite, wise cracking wife. (early 40′s)
ERIC CRUST: Customs supervisor, a “doubting Thomas”. (early 50′s)
ELLEN PIERCE: Cute young P.A.M.P assistant. (early 20′s)
The frame is filled with floating white clouds, that drift apart to reveal a flying overhead view of the island. A hang glider soars into view and the scene continues with alternating shots of the overhead view of the island getting larger, presenting views of lush greenery in the form of rolling
acres of cannabis plants and the descending figure of the hang glider.
STRONG’S ISLAND: A door is opened and the camera begins to slowly track down a passageway, stopping at a framed article from Variety Magazine mounted on a wall. It’s the “Where Are They Now?” column featuring a glowing account of Tom Strong and the Strongmen. The camera zooms in to see an old picture of the group in the article and lists the group’s top selling 15 LPs that they recorded from 1966 to 1973, and adds that Tom and the group were last seen in Copenhagen at the World Peace Concert in 1974.
The camera proceeds to track, and zooms in on another article, but from Time Magazine. It’s been enlarged to poster size and adorned with obscene graffiti. The headlines scream out that the band was picked up at John F. Kennedy airport with 1 kilo of marijuana, and only received probation for
one year. The “Moral Majority” was incensed at what they thought was a flagrant mishandling of justice. Instead of appeasing this group, the band publicly criticized the American government’s policy on cannabis prohibition, which led to public burnings of their albums.
The camera continues to track seeing framed platinum and gold records haphazardly hanging along the rest of the walls. The camera stops again and focuses on another enlarged article, this time from Mother Earth News. Under the banner headline “HEMP POWER AND HOW IT CAN SAVE OUR PLANET”, a photo shows Tom posing with a display of hemp manufactured paper, clothing, hemp seed sprouts, cooking oil, and non toxic fuel. The camera moves on and stops momentarily at another door that opens, and the searing sound of electric guitars starts to be heard. The band is in the island studio laying down the finishing touches on their first album in over twenty years.
TOM STRONG, the charismatic lead vocal and rhythm guitarist, is the man who more than twenty-five years ago made millions of young girls fall in love with his boyish charm. Now, twenty years later and fifteen kilos heavier, he’s covered with sweat and trying to keep his long gray streaked black
hair off his face, while attempting to mirror a tricky guitar riff, being laid down effortlessly by the legendary guitarist B.B. ELLIOT. Meanwhile, in the control booth, DR. RAVE, the ever obese, flamboyant French keyboardist, sits at the mixing board, grooving to the music, as his fat fingers
speedily twist the dials. His concentration starts to shrink, when an argument begins to be heard between SAMMY WALBERG, the group’s resident New Yorker, and LANCE GRIZZARD, the ex- California surfer, about the degree of reverb that should be used on the cut.
Lance and Sammy’s discussion is cut off in mid insult by the arrival of B.B. Elliot’s wife, JILLY McKERNAN, the group’s assistant business manager, whose slender petite body belies her loud, wise cracking personality. Clutching a fax in her hand, she cries out that their old record company refused to pickup an option for their contract. The band plunge into temporary depression. Without a record company behind them, how would they manage to accomplish their ultimate goal; a world-wide campaign to inform the public about the true healthy aspects of cannabis hemp and how it can
save the planet. They’ve already made all the videos to accompany the new album, and begin to worry that all their work has been in vain. Their depression is cut short by Dr. Rave, who remarks that the solution to their problems is right there on the island. By using a polymerizing process on
the hemp to make plastic, and their own laser equipment, they could manufacture as many CDs as they need, and start their own record company.
They immediately go into motion. Sammy suggests the name “POTLUCK” for the new label, which is met with resounding accord. The meeting is interrupted by a phone call from their business manager JOE MANNO in New York, informing the group that he has just finalized the negotiations for the upcoming tour. Tom puts him on the speaker phone and lets him in on the new developments. Joe has his doubts at first, saying that it could be a tremendous financial risk, but is shouted down by the group. Finally through the din, someone shouts out for the group to shut up. Everyone turns around, and are startled to hear the quiet voice of B.B. Elliot. He makes the point that they definitely have the financial means to support this project and if they couldn’t be certain of its success, there would be no reason to do it in the first place. Joe concedes that it’s all possible, and that he’ll make the necessary arrangements to set up distribution for the CD.
In the interior corridors of a non-descript LONDON business office, a secret meeting is taking place between various representatives of the Tory re-election campaign and members of a subsidiary committee of the government. Hard questions are being put to RICHARD BRAIGN, a megalomaniac
and chairman of C.O.M.F.Y., the Committee On Morality For Youth about his monthly results. Due to the re-election campaign theme, “Back to Basics”, the government is keen to have a significant influence in the behavior of British youth. Braign tells them of a major campaign that he is about to
launch. First, “Back to Basics” music videos, as a means of softening a child’s environment, by re-introducing the comfortable sights and sounds of the ’50s. Secondly because of a recent data poll which showed an increase of marijuana smoking among younger people, a scheme designed to reinforce the theory about the evils of marijuana. Braign goes on to tell them that he’s also out to prove that there is a natural link between drugs and rock ‘n roll, and that he has planted a mole inside a likely den of iniquity, music television.
At the London headquarters of MVBC, the MUSIC VIDEO BROADCASTING CORPORATION, the activity level is at a peak. Young people of every known and on some occasions, unknown hair styles, run down aisles that are a part of a maze of connecting offices. In a large conference room, dominated by a giant screen television, the weekly staff meeting is taking place. BOBBY NEWSOME, the youthful, but shrewd executive vice president is asking if any one can recommend any new releases. ELYSE NAPIER, an attractive middle aged associate producer, immediately volunteers with her selection. Placing a video cassette into the VCR, the room darkens and the images of Tom and
the band appear on the screen.
Tom and the band are performing the title track off the new CD, “Take Strength”. The video is a collage showing various stages of marijuana cultivation and their alternative uses of the plant, such as their hemp paper mill, hemp textile production and alternative forms of fuel. The video ends, the lights return and a lively discussion follows. Elyse is kidded by Bobby about her one time relationship with Tom, but she replies that she introduced Tom to his wife and they have remained good friends to this day. The controversial aspects of the video are brought up by DENNIS TWINE, the head of the censor department, a cowardly and obnoxious upper class twit. He objects to the nature of the video because it advocates the use of cannabis. Elyse reminds the staff that this is the premiere of a new CD from a legendary rock ‘n roll band, who haven’t recorded an album in over twenty years, and because of that fact alone, they owe it to their viewers to present such a newsworthy event. A vote is taken and despite complaints from Dennis, it’s overwhelmingly passed. After the meeting adjourns, Dennis questions Elyse about the wisdom of broadcasting this video, and states that this will mean that the station is identifying with the advocacy of marijuana. She starts to laugh and then tells him that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Horrified by this thought, Dennis beats a hasty retreat to his office and places a call to his superiors at C.O.M.F.Y.
Braign arrives at the decrepit laboratory of DR. FAROUK AZIZ, a noted cannabis researcher. Dr. Aziz spent over five years working on a government sponsored project to uncover any harmful effects of cannabis on the human body. He found that of 29 areas of the human lung studied, only one, the
large air passageway, found marijuana more irritant than tobacco. Unfortunately, he became too zealous in his search and supplied unproven data and was discredited by the World Health Organization. Braign asks Aziz if he would like to get his government subsidy and credentials restored. Aziz jumps at the chance, and asks what he has to do. Braign tells him that for the most part, the public is completely ignorant of the true effects of marijuana on the body. If a forum is provided for Aziz, would he present his theory of marijuana usage being the primary reason for the breakdown
of the immune system as proven fact. Aziz has no problem with this, considering that he actually believe it himself.
At the island, Dr. Rave is reviewing the compact disc manufacturing process with SEAN DOHERTY, the group’s chief technician and his first assistant JANETTE SMYTHE. The operation is somewhat more involved than they originally thought and they begin to realize that the CD’s will not be ready in
time to accompany them to England. A decision is made to have Janette work as interim chief technician, leave Sean in charge of the CD, and then after it’s completed, join the group on tour.
As Tom is packing for the upcoming tour, he receives a phone call from Elyse who tells him that the video has been accepted for their heavy rotation slot and that MVBC would like to do some special promotion for their tour. They could also help with the distribution for the CD as well as arranging some special performing venues, such as their popular program, “Acoustics”. Tom thanks her and tells her that he’ll see her soon. Hanging up the phone, he finds his wife JACQUELINE, standing behind him. She asks him if he’s certain that he’s doing the right thing in leaving the security of the island. He in turn asks her if she means leaving the island for the tour or working closely with Elyse. Her look tells him that she’s concerned about both matters. As far as the tour is concerned, Tom informs
her that someone must take the initiative if the cannabis laws are ever to change, and as far as Elyse is concerned, Jacqueline has nothing to worry about. He reassures her by clearing the suitcases off the bed, grabbing her and jumping onto the bed for a wild love making session.
At C.O.M.F.Y headquarters, a screening is taking place between Richard Braign, head of C.O.M.F.Y. a nervous Dennis Twine and MARGARET DILLY a plain looking woman in her fifties, she’s the strait laced, tight lipped assistant secretary to the committee for suppression of information. The
bright images playing on the screen is the new updated dance video, “How Much is that Doggie in the Window?” The video features dancers attired in demure ’50s fashion, performing with cute cuddly dogs. Braign has a smug smile of appreciation on his face, while Dilly maintains a frigid air about her. Twine is smiling nervously, and glancing frequently at his watch. The video mercifully ends, and before Braign can ask for responses, Twine tells him about the resurfacing of Tom Strong and the Strongmen. Braign’s mouth drops open in shock, and even Dilly stirs slightly.
Braign moans audibly and in flashback, we see that he’s had former clashes with Strong. During the heyday of the Strongmen, Braign was working as a British Customs officer. Tom and the group managed even after an exhaustive customs search, to smuggle a kilo of marijuana into Heathrow. By flattening the marijuana and shaping it into disc platters, then putting them into their own album covers and sealing them with plastic, the band was able to disguise the pot as records. Then they put the marijuana LPs in the bottom of packing crates and then filled the top half of the crates with genuine albums. After they were cleared by Customs, the group was later able to distribute the so called albums at an open air rock ‘n roll festival. The press ate this outrageous behavior up and had a field day at British Customs expense. Braign was not held accountable, but felt responsible and always wanted to make amends.
This is the information that Braign has been waiting for, a chance to finally vindicate himself and prove his theory that rock ‘n roll does indeed bring on drug abuse and vice versa. Braign thinks that there could be a way to infiltrate Strong’s operation. He calls in four odd looking characters, HARRY, a brawny, punch drunk ex-boxer, TREVOR, a small rat-like man, with dark features, LLOYD, a
friendly, almost goofy looking fair-haired taller man, and CECIL, a soft pudgy man with menacingly smiling eyes. This is Braign’s personal special services team, who he wishes were trained in the art of counter terrorism, self-defense, demolition and masters of disguise, the C.O.M.F.Y. SQUAD.
Braign starts to daydream. A formidable team indeed, except for some major drawbacks. All the men are extremely dull witted or demented and not only had been dishonorably discharged from the SAS, they were Braign’s brothers in law. The extreme difference in their appearance being, that they had all
been adopted. Braign’s marriage to his wife LARRAINE had carried a heavy price tag, employ the now unemployable future brothers in law or forget about the wedding, or even worse, get married and have the in-laws move in with them. Braign snaps himself out of his nightmarish dream and returns to
the business at hand. He slowly explains to the men the nature of their new assignment; to infiltrate an enemy camp and plant damaging evidence against them. He asks if any of them have experience working for bands.
The customs area at Heathrow is backed up, and the roadies have been separated from the rest of the group. The band find themselves having to deal with all the equipment including costumes and props. The line slowly moves up to the customs bench where two weary customs officers, who aren’t impressed with the band’s credentials and start to go through all their personal suitcases and flight cases, until they come to a box, confront the band marked “EXTRA FRAGILE”. This arouses their suspicions, but when the case is opened, four extra large foam latex marijuana plant suits pop out. The agents are dumbfounded, it’s been a long day. The situation is resolved when told that these are theatre props, and so they let the band pass through.
The press conference room at the airport is humming with anticipation. Elyse has organized it very well. Paparazzi is everywhere as the world press is covering the event. Applause suddenly erupts as Tom makes his way into the press room, followed by surprised laughter, as the band, who have donned the foam latex marijuana plant suits, enter and bow. Questions come fast and heavy by the press who want to know the reasons behind the band’s comeback. Tom explains that due to the environmental damage that’s been done to the planet, it was time for someone to raise the public’s awareness level about how a simple plant could reestablish the delicate ecological balance. When asked what the plant is, Dr. Rave, still wearing the marijuana costume yells out “Rock ‘n Roll”.
Braign is being dressed down by the re-election committee. Several of the top brass are starting to get embarrassed about the recent activities of Tom Strong. LORD MARQUAND, a large man with a frog like face, tells him in no uncertain terms that this is a problem that should be dealt with quickly. The last thing that they want is a resurgence of marijuana smoking, environmental conscience radicals, who stir up the public. The committee reminds Braign that they live in a world where the economy is based upon fossil fuel and petrochemicals companies. If society suddenly demanded that all energy should be based on cannabis hemp in the form of biomass to make methanol and other related fuels, there would be total economic chaos. Stock exchanges would collapse and cause a worldwide depression like none ever seen before. Marquand then hands Braign a typed out scenario for a public information film that they want COMFY to produce. Braign tries to explain that he has already produced a pro “Back to Basics” video, but they remain adamant, this script had already been approved by the top and was considered a number one priority. The committee advises him to expedite this as soon as possible, or be ready to face the consequences. Braign’s body begins to shake as he envisions strange scenes of himself walking the plank overboard, being tossed out of a sky scraper, and being cooked in an oversized pot, with a ring of cannibals dancing around it. He vows to put an end to Tom Strong’s folly.
At a large downtown Powerhouse Music and Video store, hordes of customers are queuing up at the main counter in an attempt to purchase the new Tom Strong CD. The store’s staff are beside themselves because the shipment hasn’t come in yet. A track from the band’s CD is playing on two large screen televisions that are hung from the ceiling and bordering the main counter.
The song is “Rock of Roll Visions”, and the video features peasants during the dark ages administering cannabis extracts on themselves and successfully curing their ailments. Without warning, church officials raid their homes and incarcerate them. Scenes follow of the peasants being forced to rely only on official church medication. Crazed church doctors ply the peasants and themselves with alcohol as they cut into their patients’ limbs with a ragged edge knife and begin the bleeding process. Strange religious symbols float by, as the doctors become even more bizarre, insisting that plague-ridden victims wear a grotesque bird mask filled with herbs to cure
their diseases.
The video ends and the customers who had been watching the screen and enjoying the video, bombard the staff with complaints, when told that the CDs aren’t in stock yet.
Twine is fidgeting nervously in Bobby Newsome’s outer office. He’s under pressure from Braign to initiate C.O.M.F.Y.’s new music video program. And is muttering to himself under his breath, contemplating how he’s going to approach the subject with Bobby. His concentration is suddenly broken by the door swinging open and Elyse backing out of the office. She’s ending a conversation with Bobby stating that Tom is expecting a major delivery at the airport. When hearing this, Twine perks up, and unobtrusively jots down the information in a small notebook. Bobby comes out and asks Twine if there’s anything he can do for him. Before Twine can answer, Bobby’s phone
rings. He excuses himself to take the call, as Twine makes a speedy exit and runs to his own office.
At the Grovenor Square Hotel, the band and crew pile out of a charter bus and make a beeline for the hotel lobby. The other hotel guests are being ignored by the hotel manager, who is speaking to MISCHA STEINBRENNER, the group’s renowned tour manager, about the room plans. The group make a mad dash for the keys that Mischa displays over his head and disperse into the elevators, leaving the flustered manager to deal with the angry guests.
Tom and Mischa are sitting in Tom’s room, discussing the upcoming venues, with Joe Manno, who’s just arrived from New York. Their conversation is interrupted by an urgent phone call from CHARLIE FISHER, district manager of Powerhouse Music and Video. Asking for Joe, he tells him of the enormous demand for the video, but also of the frustration of not having it. Joe nearly has a heart attack when told of the non-delivery of the CDs. He promises to get back to soon to Charlie, when a knock is heard on the door. The C.O.M.F.Y. Squad enter the room, dressed as hotel staff. They’re awkwardly carrying large baskets of fruit and trays filled with unbalanced stacks of sandwiches and drinks. When Tom tells them that he didn’t order any of this, they in turn tell him that it’s compliments of the hotel. Joe, for the moment oblivious at the intrusion of the men, tells Tom that this is the very thing that he was worried about. What could be holding up the delivery of the CDs. Tom tells him that he is concerned, but not worried. He’s expecting to hear from Sean that day as to the progress of the delivery. Joe is beside himself, acting as if he hadn’t heard what Tom was saying, and stresses the importance of having a product to sell. The revenues from the tour would not be enough to offset the production costs and it would mean a huge financial loss, not to mention the effect it would have on his reputation.
As Joe proceeds to ramble on, the men commence to set up the fruit, sandwiches and drinks at a snail like pace. They’re attempting to install listening devices in the room, but due to their own clumsiness, have difficulty in doing so. Trevor reaches into one of the fruit baskets and takes out a plastic bag crammed with marijuana. Looking for a place to deposit it, he places it under a cushion on the sofa. Unbeknownst to Trevor, Harry in searching for a spot to place a bug, comes across the very same bag that Trevor just planted and excitedly picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
Tom, Mischa and Joe notice that not only are the men still in the room, one of them Lloyd is unscrewing the receiver to the phone. Joe looks over quickly and asks what he’s doing. Lloyd starts to stutter and Cecil answers for him that there was a report that the phone wasn’t working properly. Joe looks at him quizzically and says he was just using it and it worked fine. Trevor gets Cecil’s attention and makes a covert “okay” gesture. Cecil apologizes to Joe and says that there must have been a mistake. Mischa pays them their gratuities and they have no choice but to leave the room. Tom puts on the television, zapping channels with the remote, and decides on an afternoon chat show.
As the C.O.M.F.Y. Squad are exiting the hotel, they quickly summarize the mission so far. Due to the shortage of time, they weren’t able to install any listening devices, but Trevor fills them in on his successful attempt to plant marijuana in the room. He tells them that he’ll call Braign immediately and have him arrange a police raid. Harry agrees wholeheartedly with Trevor, revealing his discovery of marijuana in the room. Trevor looks suspiciously at Harry and asks to see the bag. Harry proudly pulls the bag that Trevor planted out of his pocket. Trevor grabs the bag and begins smacking Harry over the head with it. The bag rips open, and as the men walk away from the hotel, the doorman enthusiastically cleans up the buds.
Dr. Farouk Aziz is being interviewed by SALLY HANSEN. She has introduced
him as one of the greatest authorities of cannabis research. Aziz goes on to claim that not only did his studies show that marijuana was more irritant than tobacco smoke, but that it also created chromosome and testosterone damage. Tom looks up with a start and calls Mischa over to the television. Tom cries out in disgust. He remembers the brou haha over Aziz’s discrediting and tells Mischa that the American university, UCLA had discovered among other things that marijuana had a positive or neutral effect in most areas of the lungs. In fact marijuana has never caused a known case of lung cancer, and has been recognized as being beneficial to sufferers of emphysema, due to the opening and dilation of the bronchial tubes.
Tom shuts off the television, and angrily starts looking for his address book. He can’t find it at first and in frustration, rips open his suitcase and dumps the contents on the floor. Mischa runs to get him a glass of water to calm him down. Tom isn’t having any of it, and continues to rant. Mischa takes the glass of water and throws it in Tom’s face. A tense moment passes, Tom takes a deep breath and thanks Mischa. He apologizes for his temper tantrum, and tries to explain why he had it. It’s absolutely ridiculous that a quack like Aziz, with unfounded theories gets television airtime and everyone believes him like he’s talking about the gospel. As Tom is getting all of this off his chest, Mischa calmly takes Tom’s address book off of the nightstand and shows it to him. They both share a laugh,
and Tom shaking his head, opens the book and dials the number of DAVID SHERWOOD, head of the local London chapter of P.A.M.P. People Against Marijuana Prohibition. Finding out that David is out of town for a few days, he leaves a message with a secretary to have David call him back.
Twine places a call to Braign and informs him about the important delivery that Strong is waiting for. Braign pauses a moment and then makes a monumental decision, thinking that Strong is attempting to bring into the country a formidable amount of marijuana, but this time in the form of CD’s. Braign is overjoyed at the prospect and tells him that he’ll arrange an exclusive reception for the group at the airport. As Twine attempts to curtail the phone call, Braign tells him about the new video that he’s under pressure to produce. Twine is confused. Should he continue to attempt to get airtime for the already produced video, or should he forget about it. Braign screams at him to do both. Twine meekly mumbles that he’s waiting for the weekly staff meeting when new music is introduced. Braign emphasizes that he shouldn’t wait too long, because he himself is under pressure from the re-election committee to see some results.
Back at the hotel, the C.O.M.F.Y. SQUAD have now positioned themselves on a scaffolding outside the hotel, masquerading as window cleaners. Unfortunately, the scaffolding doesn’t quite come up to Tom’s floor, and the platform that they’re all standing on is crammed with equipment. Harry is loading half a pound of marijuana into what looks to be an industrial vacuum cleaner, that’s designed not only to suck, but to blow its contents through a hose. Cecil is passing the hose up to Trevor, who swearing under his breath, is wearing a highly experimental surveillance devise known as a “hat-cam” on his head, which hampers his own vision. Pushing the hose upwards to an partially open window and clenching a boom microphone disguised as a mop, he is precariously balanced on top of Lloyd’s shoulders, who’s wearing a small TV monitor around his neck. The two of them are acting as a team in an attempt to get the band’s response and reactions to the forced entry of the marijuana. Cecil is barking out orders when Harry, who after feeding the machine, has been acting as the lookout, turns suddenly and knocks into Lloyd, whose knee knocks against the machine and switches the power to suck. Trevor looses his grip on the microphone, slamming it against the building, and leaving it wedged in the window frame, out of arms’ reach. The hose is wantonly sucking anything that gets in its way. Fortunately the band doesn’t realize this invasion of privacy, because due to its own incompetence, the squad had positioned itself outside of the wrong window and so the hose is only sucking up odds and ends in an empty room. Unluckily for the squad, the vacuum machine is shooting the half a pound of pot out of an exhaust pipe, littering the street below with a shower of marijuana. The doorman quickly appears again and begins to sweep up the pot. The squad are finally able to turn the machine off and scramble down the scaffolding, to think of a new strategy.
Tom and the band are rehearsing for their first gig. Elyse is snuggling up to Tom who is enjoying the attention as B.B. Elliot lays down a vicious riff in the middle of a guitar solo. Suddenly, Sammy begins a drum solo, which provokes an argument. Sammy claims that B.B. went on too long with his solo and that it was time for the drum solo. Lance immediately defends B.B. and launches into a tirade against Sammy. Dr. Rave ignores both of them, opens up a box of chocolate bon bons and begins to rapidly pop them into his mouth in a non-stop motion. B.B. has seen this all too often and unplugs his guitar to assume a familiar role as mediator. Nothing can calm Sammy down. He’s totally incensed. He carries on about the fact that no one appreciates him. Lance continues to wind him up and B.B. has had enough. He turns to ask Tom to intervene, but find Tom and Elyse kissing passionately. He quietly tries to get Tom’s attention, but he’s miles away. Sammy and Lance notice the intense embrace and stop arguing. The band decide to take a break and begin to walk out of the room, returning only to grab Dr. Rave, who’s still eating his bon bons.
Twine is loitering outside Bobby Newsome’s office clutching the COMFY video in his hands. Bobby is on the phone with one of the channel’s major advertisers, reassuring them that MVBC is not officially advocating anything but freedom of music. Breaking out into a smile, he thanks them for their continued support and hangs up the phone. Twine sensing that this is the moment to show Bobby the COMFY video, knocks on his door. Twine begins by telling him that he’s proud to be associated with people who allow such a great deal of latitude with the videos that they broadcast. He adds that they have a great responsibility to the young people of the country to provide a wide variety of music videos. Before he can go any further, Bobby’s phone rings again, it’s a call that he must take. He tells Twine that they’ll have to continue the conversation at another time.
Twine returns to his office and retrieves the new video scenario from a drawer in his desk. As he starts reading, he emits a high pitch whistle from between his teeth. He grabs his filo-fax, rifles through some pages, picks up the phone and calls JACQUES HALLER, at Flashpaper Productions.
Braign returns to his house to find his two teenage daughters hosting a slumber party. It’s been a long day and Braign is visibly beat, but that doesn’t stop his giant Alsatian dog from jumping up on him, putting his paws onto his shoulders and madly licking his face. His wife, LARRAINE, shoos the dog away, leads Braign into the kitchen and serves him dinner. Their conversation is usually stilted, but tonight Braign is excited because of his campaign’s progress and the pressure that is on him. Music from the living room suddenly blares out, and to Braign’s horror, it’s Tom Strong and the Strongmen. He rushes into the living room, where he’s met once again by his dog, who starts to bark excitedly. Braign tries to get the dog to stop barking, as the five teenage girls who are all sitting around the television set watching one of Tom’s videos on MVBC, join in the mayhem. Braign’s wife finally gets the dog under control and leads him out of the room. Before anyone of them can say anything, Braign turns the television off. The girls scream out their indignation and Braign finds himself backed up against the TV. He tries to quiet down the girls by promising to buy them ice cream. They don’t want ice cream, they want to watch Tom Strong. Braign asks why they would want to watch an ancient rock star who’s old enough to be their father. They reply that the music is great and the video is fun to watch. He then tries to appease the girls by showing them the new COMFY video. He tells them that they’re in for a treat, because this particular video isn’t on television yet. The girls start gabbing excitedly, Braign puts the video on play and the girls immediately hate it. His daughters beg him to turn it off. He can’t understand it. This is good clean safe music, what more could they possibly want. As the girls whining builds to an uncomfortable pitch, Braign begins to wildly stagger around the living room in panic, knocking knic knacs off tables. Before he can cause any more damage, his wife grabs him and leads him back to the kitchen and tries to calm him down, but as they enter the
kitchen the dog begins to bark again and Braign screams out at the top of his lungs in frustration.
Two figures thrash about on a bed in a darkened room. The phone begins to ring and a hand blindly reaches out and picks up the receiver. Yawning a hello, Tom’s voice suddenly changes to a clear tone and turns on the light. He and Elyse are naked under the covers and his wife Jacqueline is on the phone. Hearing Tom utter Jacqueline’s name, Elyse slides off the bed, puts on a robe and quietly tip toes to the bathroom. Trying to be as nonchalant as possible under the circumstances, Tom fills in Jacqueline about the press conference and good reactions that they’ve been receiving for their videos. When asked if there was someone in the room with him, Tom mumbles that it must be her imagination. Of course he misses her and wishes she was there with him. She in turn tells him that Jilly McKernan will be arriving any day with the new T-shirts, and that she was thinking of joining her. Tom quickly blurts out that it wouldn’t be such a good idea, but in fact it would be more advantageous if she came after a few weeks, so that the show would be in better shape for her to see it. Jacqueline does not mind if the show is a bit shaky, she wants to see Tom. He reassures her in his best
soothing voice that he loves her, but wants to be certain that when she does come, they can spend a lot of quality time together. Jacqueline agrees with Tom and tells him she’ll call again tomorrow. Tom hangs up and lets out a big breath of air.
Elyse comes out of the bathroom and gently confronts Tom. Perhaps it wasn’t very appropriate for them to rekindle their old affair. Tom confesses that he’s somewhat confused about all that’s been happening, but wants Elyse to stay with him for the night. She takes the receiver off the phone puts it into the nightstand drawer and turns off the light.
Twine is driving along a dark winding road, his visibility not being helped by pelting rain beating so hard, that the car’s windshield wipers have a hard time keeping up with it. This is not his kind of weather, and his nervous actions speak for themselves. Squinting his eyes, he tries to make out various road signs, but, it’s too dark. He finally arrives at a dark foreboding town house on the outskirts of London.
Entering the house, he tries to makes his way through a film crew that is in full action. Large 10K lights are being wheeled into position, as a director of photography barks out orders. Twine looks up to see Jacques Haller standing with KARL PIEDMONT, the director. The two of them are discussing the scenario. Twine starts to walk over to them and as he approaches them, trips over a pile of heavy cable laid out on the floor. Lying in a prone position, he picks up his head to see a pair of black patent leather high heels. Looking up all the way, he sees the imperial figure of Margaret Dilly standing over him. Quickly getting to his feet, he apologizes for his clumsiness and compliments her on choice in shoes. She gives him a contemptuous look and walks away to greet Lord Marquand, who has just arrived on set. Twine picks himself up and joins Haller and Karl. They continue to discuss the scenario. It’s an updated version of “Reefer Madness”. As they deliberate, a group of actors walk onto the set. They’re dressed in a sort of postmodern hippie look. Some of the women are wearing six-inch platform shoes and have to be assisted to get to their marks.
A production assistant approaches Haller and asks if he has the prop marijuana that they will be using. Karl, the director becomes incensed over this information. He demands that the real thing be used. Hearing this, Twine gets very nervous, because of the presence of Margaret Dilly and Lord Marquand. Haller trying to mollify Karl and Twine at the same time, says they can use the real thing, because as far as Dilly and Marquand are concerned, they’re so straight that they’ll never be able to tell the difference between hay and the real thing. Haller also emphasizes the fact that they’re all under pressure due to the short amount of time they have. Faced with the possibility of not being able to finish the film, Twine gives the okay to use real marijuana. Karl offers his own killer stash to be used in the filming.
Gathering all the actors together, Karl tells them that in order for the spontaneity to show on camera, he wants to forego the usual rehearsal and start filming right away. He places some actors dressed in expensive casual wear in their first position. He tells them that they’re at a party and are chatting politely until the arrival of a group of crazed drug fiends. Karl returns to his chair by the camera and yells for action.
The party begins, quiet music is playing in the background. The actors are talking amongst themselves, when Karl gives a visual cue for the “hippie” actors to enter.
The “hippies” invade the living room to the shock of the party guests. The music suddenly changes to loud searing rock ‘n roll. They plunk themselves down on various couches and chairs and begin to smoke humongous spliffs. Smoke is billowing out of their mouths like a chimney, and the “hippie” men begin to leer lasciviously at the straight women.
During this early part of the filming, Margaret Dilly and Lord Marquand are keeping their eyes glued on the proceedings, which is of great comfort to Twine, who as usual, is as nervous as ever. As huge puffs of smoke start to infiltrate the off camera area where they’re standing, Margaret puts her note pad away, grabs a folding chair and sits down. Marquand is obviously affected by the potent smoke and begins to teeter unsteadily. He grabs Twine to prevent himself from falling, but Marquand’s weight is too much for Twine and he crumbles under the pressure. As Twine starts to collapse, he too is enveloped by a huge puff of smoke, inducing a coughing fit. Marquand loses his grip on Twine and falls into Margaret’s lap.
The party carries on and now the hippie men are tearing the clothes off the straight women. The straight men have had smoke forced into them by the hippie women and are now engaged in wild sex. Karl gives another visual gesture which cues the cast to start knocking the furniture over. People begin to pass out, but they are awakened by lines of cocaine, which are forced up their noses by a customized “dust buster”, which has been altered to blow its contents out. Karl yells for a cut. The makeup personnel apply prosthetics to the actors, which gives the impression of rapid aging. The crew strips the living room set, lays down soft foam mattresses, and recovers them with carpeting. This makes normal walking almost impossible, as everyone who attempts it nearly falls over. Haller reminds everyone that time is short and the actors go back on the set.
Yelling for action, Karl in his enthusiasm grabs a joint himself and begins to pass it among the crew. The party is now at a fever pitch. The actors are now alternating between smoking joints and popping pills. The straight men are shooting themselves up with syringes from bags marked “heroin”.
The joint has now reached Margaret and Marquand, who are now sharing a chair. Without thinking, Marquand grabs the joint and takes a big hit, and exhales the smoke into Margaret Dilly’s open mouth. Twine is completely shocked and begins to slink away from them, when he begins to feel the effects from the marijuana smoke. Eyeing a chair off the side of the room, he creeps over to it, plops himself into it and falls asleep.
Karl is loving every moment of the action. Checking his stopwatch, he glances one more time at the chaos on the set and then yells for a cut. The cameraman checks the gate and Karl yells for a wrap. The actors jump up a bit shaky and congratulate each other. As the crew begins to strike the set Marquand is seen approaching Karl. He mumbles something about how he really appreciated Karl’s work, but wonders if there’s any prop marijuana left over.
The morning sun streams through the curtains of Tom’s hotel windows. Tom is sleeping peacefully, when loud knocking is heard at the door. Tom’s eyes squint open for a moment and sees Elyse sleeping contently. Glancing at the digital clock radio, he sees that it’s 7:15 in the morning. He grabs the pillow and puts it over his head, but the knocking continues. Gruffly calling out that he’s coming, Tom throws the blanket off the bed, grabs a robe and staggers to the door. Fumbling with the key, he manages to unlock the door, and opens it. Before he can react, the sprightly athletic figure of Jilly McKernan jumps into his arms and kisses him all over. Tom is confused and so is Jilly when she sees whose arms she’s in.
Apologizing profusely, she says she thought that it was B.B’s room, and that she wanted to surprise him. Tom tells her that B.B’s room is down the hall, but before he can get her out of the suite, Jilly excitedly tells Tom that she has the new T-shirts, and she can’t wait to show Tom the new designs. She barges past him, into the bedroom and tosses one of her suitcases onto the bed. Elyse groans loudly and Jilly seeing Elyse, gives Tom a slow burning look. Tom attempts to explain Elyse’s presence by saying that she’s an old friend and they were just talking and it got late and so she stayed over. There was nothing more to it. Jilly scrunches up her face, shakes her head and walks out of the room.
Tom realizing the mess that he’s in, starts nervously pacing the room. He stops and asks Elyse if she thinks that Jilly believed the story. Elyse asks Tom what he thinks. He takes a big gulp of air, lets it out slowly and continues to pace. He stops again and asks Elyse to do him a big favor, which would be to call Jacqueline and tell her the same story that he just told Jilly. Elyse suggests that Tom tell her the truth, which is they got together and had a brief fling and that it was over. Snapping his fingers, he readily agrees with her, until he realizes that Elyse said it was over. Before he can say anything more, she reiterates that it’s the only way that the three of them can remain friends. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Tom starts getting a bit jittery and finally makes up his mind to fax his wife instead. Feeling confident about this new strategy, he crawls back into bed with Elyse.
Twine wakes up to find himself alone in the house and his body contorted in a small chair. Attempting to look around, he realizes that he has a stiff neck. Gingerly, he starts to unwind his body and is finally able to get off the chair. Scanning the living room, he sees the results of the previous night’s chaos. Couches and chairs are turned up on their sides, vases and plants have been knocked over, and a giant stain of some kind of liquid lies embedded in the carpet.
Stumbling around, trying to knock the cobwebs out of his head, he comes to a wheeled table with stacks of scripts lying all over it. Rummaging through a pile, he discovers some boxer shorts. Looking quizzically at the shorts, he suddenly feels around his own trousers and then discovers that the shorts are actually his. Just as he’s walking out of the house, he meets the C.O.M.F.Y. Squad, who violently grab him, throw him up against a wall and frisk him. Twine can’t believe what’s happening to him. He tries to tell the men who he is, in fact he attempts to remind them, that they should know who he is, because they’ve already met. Finally this information sets in and they stop harassing Twine. Cecil, in an off handed way apologizes to Twine and tells him that the men are just doing their duty. When asked by Twine what that duty might be, Cecil replies that they are on the premises as security for a film that is to be shot that morning. Twine corrects them by informing them that they’re exactly twelve hours late, and that the film was shot the previous night. Beaming proudly, the men remark that at least they were precisely twelve hours late and not a moment sooner or later. Puzzled, Twine gives the men a bemused look, shakes his head and returns to the conversation. He tells the men that they should continue on their original assignment, whatever it might be, and if they happen to see Braign tell him that the filming was a success, but that new information has surfaced about Tom Strong’s CD. The squad pledge their allegiance to C.O.M.F.Y and promise to perform this new duty without fail. The Squad then break off into a complex salute maneuver, which completely baffles Twine, who leaves before its completion.
As Twine is walking back to the driveway, he’s almost knocked over by the Squad who are hurriedly pushing a wheelbarrow filled with marijuana. opening up the back of a black van with black tinted windows, they dump the wheelbarrow and its contents into it, then jump into the van and wildly drive off. Downtown London is bristling with early morning commuter activity. A crane shot rises and pans slowly, showing a panorama of the neighboring area, stopping at an unruly mob picketing the downtown headquarters of Powerhouse Music and Video. Carrying protest signs that read “Don’t Advertise if You Don’t Have the Product”, and “We Want Tom” the mob is chanting “Give Us Strength, Give Us Strength”. Attempting to make their way through this riotous crowd are Charlie Fischer and Joe Manno. Charlie is incensed by Joe’s failure to deliver the new CD. As they near the front doors, the crowd surges towards them and they just barely make it inside the building before the angry mob swallows them up.
Inside the store, frightened employees help the two men up on to their feet. Charlie implores Joe to persuade the crowd to disband. Realizing that he has very little choice, Joe takes a few deep breaths, grabs a megaphone, opens the door a crack and slips outside.
Seeing Joe, the crowd begin to smell blood, but Joe yells out greetings from the band, which momentarily stuns the crowd into silent confusion. Acting quickly, he introduces himself as the band’s manager and tells the mob that he and the band are also upset by the delayed arrival of the long awaited CD. The crowd suddenly break out into questions about the delivery of the CD. Joe attempting to placate the unruly crowd, abruptly comes upon the idea of offering free tickets to the band’s first concert to anyone having the same birth date as Tom or the guys in the band. The crowd engulf Joe.
Tom is sitting at his desk, pondering over a fax to Jacqueline, when a knock is heard at the door. Looking for any excuse to interrupt this difficult task, he puts the writing paper away and goes to the door. Expecting no on in particular, his face freezes when he sees the slight figure of Jilly McKernan leaning up against the door frame. After a moments pause, both of them start speaking simultaneously. They both stop and start again. Finally, Tom breaks the pattern and tells Jilly that nothing seriously is going on with him and Elyse, but he is in the process of writing a fax to Jacqueline, because they have always promised never to keep secrets between them. Jilly expresses her relief to him adding that she didn’t want to be in the unenviable position of having to inform her friend about her husband’s indiscretion. Tom reassures Jilly that he is after all a family man and the last thing that he’s interested in is having a bunch of girlfriends.
As Tom escorts Jilly out of the room, they are met in the hallway by a pretty young woman, who rushes up to Tom as soon as she sees him. Jilly gives Tom a sideways glance, but Tom is apparently confused by the actions of this young woman. The woman goes on to say that she’s so impressed by all of Tom’s Lps and that she always wanted to meet him. Tom seems to be puzzled about her identity. The young woman realizes this and blurts out that she’s ELLEN PIERCE from P.A.M.P and that David Sherwood sent her. Upon hearing this information, both Tom and Jilly perk their heads up. She tells them that David had been trying without success to reach Tom, because he has negotiated a formal debate on Sally Hansen’s talk show against Dr. Aziz.
Tom excuses himself to the two women and explains that he better go and review some notes if he wanted to be sharp for the debate, earlier that evening.
Dr. Rave’s hotel room has been transformed into a miniature version of his studio/workshop on the island. Long work tables, jammed with racks filled with graphic equalizers, samplers, reverb boxes, and random computer parts, run along the walls of the room. The original bed has been taken out and
replaced with a Japanese futon which is covered with a messy pile of keyboard magazines. The room itself is constantly occupied by Dr. Rave and the other members of the band, who use the room more like a clubhouse. Sammy Walberg is somewhat tranced out, drumming on his practice pads, while Lance absent mindedly is snapping beer bottle tops out of the window. The doctor is tinkering with the inner workings of a clock radio. The ringing of the fax phone brings all three out of their doldrums. Flinging paper off a corner of one of the tables, they locate the fax machine. A broad smile comes to their faces as they read the fax aloud. The duplicating process had finally been restored and the rest of the CD’s are ready for shipment to England that night. After letting the phone ring incessantly in attempt to reach Tom, Sammy decides to give Elyse a call and tell her the good news.
Surrounded by a sea of excited fans, Joe is being assaulted by a wide range of people for tickets to the group’s first gig. As the mob simultaneously shout out their respective birth dates to Joe, he realizes that this was not the best avenue to take to calm them down. As the crowd press closer to him, Joe suddenly sees a possibility of escape in the form of a taxi cab that has stopped near him to let off a passenger. Joe begins to edge forward, grabs an envelope filled with receipts from his inside jacket pocket, tells the mob that it’s filled with free tickets and throws it into the crowd. As the throng make for the envelope, Joe slips away from them and makes it to the cab.
Twine is sitting in his office at MVBC, in a bit of a panic. It’s been hours since he gave the video to the C.O.M.F.Y. squad, but he still hasn’t heard from Braign. He keeps looking at his phone, praying out loud for it to ring. Finally, he can’t stand it any longer and decides to call Braign himself. His panic is momentarily curtailed by Elyse, who is walking down the hallway with a colleague discussing the long awaited delivery of Tom’s CD. Twine learns that the shipment is indeed arriving that night direct from Strong’s island. With this new information in hand, Twine is convinced that the shipment is none other than a large amount of marijuana disguised as a shipment of CDs. He promptly dials C.O.M.F.Y Headquarters.
The central switchboard at C.O.M.F.Y. headquarters is an old fashioned devise, straight out of the 1950′s. Manned by four woman operators, the sound emanating from the room, is like being in the middle of a chicken coop at feeding time. The din is so loud, it’s a wonder that the operators can hear anything. Twine’s call comes in and he’s transferred to Braign’s office. After what seems like an eternity, the phone is finally answered by a secretary who informs Twine that Braign is not in his office. Before Twine can ask if she can take a message, she transfers him once again, back to the central switchboard. His call is answered immediately, but before he can get anything out of his mouth, he’s put directly on hold. While waiting for someone to pick up, he begins to vacillate between hanging up or holding, and just as he decides to hang up, the operator’s voice can be heard. Swooping the receiver away from the cradle, he jams it into his ear and asks if he can leave a message for Braign. The operator informs him that Mr. Braign is not in the office, but that he is at the dentist and can be reached only after one o’clock on his cellular phone. Twine thanks her profusely and hangs up.
Grabbing the fax, Sammy runs out of Dr. Rave’s room to go tell Tom the good news. While walking down the passage way, he runs into Joe Manno, whose clothes are tattered in shreds. When asked what happened, Joe can barely speak, he just wants to get to Tom’s room. They both stand outside Tom’s door and knock. When there is no immediate response, Joe grits his teeth and begins to aggressively pound the door. Sammy is obviously surprised and tries to calm Joe down. Tom’s voice smacks of impatience as he approaches the door. Joe seems to be oblivious to the sound of Tom’s voice, as he persists in pounding at the door, even after Tom opens it. Seeing the state that Joe is in, Tom grabs a hold of him and leads him to a chair inside the room. After taking a cool drink of water, Joe begins to unwind a bit and starts to recount the story of what happened to him at the music and video store. During his narrative, he’s interrupted several times by Sammy, who tries to get a word in edge ways about the fax from the island. Joe is getting somewhat irate towards Sammy, because he’s desperately trying to finish his story. Finally, he relates that he got away only by throwing his receipts at the hungry mob.
After a low whistle by Tom, Sammy sensing that the time is right, blurts out the information about the repair of the duplicating process for the CD. Joe looks at him incredulously, and realizes that he could have avoided all the hassles at Powerhouse, if he had known earlier about the CD. Even though he was hearing good news, Joe begins to walk around Tom’s room like a crazed Frankenstein monster, muttering to himself that the situation should never have happened.
An assortment of whips and chains are hanging from the black dungeon walls as screams of agonized pleasure rip through the room. Tied down to four posts of a small sofa, Richard Braign is dressed in a rubber French maid’s uniform, receiving a whipping from a professional mistress, when the soft ringing of a cellular phone starts to be heard. Softly rubbing his reddening butt, his mistress pulls up his panties, locates the phone, pushes the talk button and puts it up to Braign’s face, which he then cradles between his ear and his shoulder. Clearing his throat, he attempts to sound as normal as possible. Realizing that it’s Twine on the phone, Braign isn’t very pleased that he reached him on the cellular, until Twine divulges that he just found out through the grapevine that the shipment that Strong was expecting was due in later that evening. Absolutely elated with this information, Braign lets out a little laugh that suddenly changes into a high pitched squeal, as his mistress inserts a dildo up his butt. On the other end of the line, Twine asks if anything is wrong. Braign in turn tells him that it’s just the Novocain wearing off. Twine continues to brief Braign and asks him if he received the tapes from the C.O.M.F.Y. Squad. Letting out a low sigh and shuddering with pleasure, his mistress now strokes the dildo back and forth, and Braign asks Twine if they can continue the conversation at a later time, because he’s still in a bit of pain. Twine reluctantly concedes, and Braign agrees to call him back when his pain wears off.
The television studio is buzzing with activity. Studio cameras are being rolled into their respective positions while cable men do their best to keep the heavy cable out of the way of the cameras’ wheels. Tom and his entourage, comprised of David Sherwood, Elyse, Joe Manno and the band are walking around, trying to find somebody from the station to direct them to their dressing room. Finally, Sally Hansen appears with her producer and a makeup artist in tow. The makeup artist is trying to powder her face, while she is listing complaints about her staff to her producer. She becomes quite upset when she sees Tom and the group just walking aimlessly around the set. She rushes up and immediately starts to apologize for the disorganization. Aggressively turning on her producer, she tells him that these types of problems are repeatedly happening and that her entire staff should be replaced. She apologizes again and leaves in a huff. The producer looks to Tom and gives him a somewhat sheepish look, and then runs off to follow Sally. Joe takes the lead and tells the group that he’ll organize the dressing room. The group follows him as he takes them on a unintended tour of backstage.
As the group wanders about they come face to face with Dr. Farouk Aziz and his assistant, who are also in search of the dressing room. Upon seeing each other, the two main opponents, Tom and Aziz, eye each other coolly. The tension is thick, but then is broken by Tom who shakes his head and starts to laugh. This little maneuver infuriates Aziz, who takes himself and his views extremely seriously. He points an accusing finger at Tom and threatens him with bodily harm if Tom persists in making fun of him. This statement causes everyone in Tom’s party to laugh, and Aziz has to be held back by his assistant. The showdown is broken up by the arrival of two young production assistants who escort each party into their own respective dressing rooms.
Braign has returned to his office and is sitting gingerly at his desk, reviewing his situation. He’s just gotten off the phone with the Customs department and arranged a very pleasant surprise for Tom and the group when they arrive at the airport to pick up their shipment. He gets out from his chair and starts to dance around the office, singing out loud in a sort of Gilbert and Sullivan operatic fashion that this will be the final feather in his cap, the highlight of his long and illustrious career.
He interrupts his own reverie, remembering that he should call Lord Marquand and tell him about his impending success. He places a call to Marquand’s office and is informed by his secretary that he’s not in and can only be reached in case of emergency by his cellular phone. Braign thanks her, hangs up and reaches into his inside coat pocket. He starts to audibly debate whether he should call Marquand. The information he wants to give him might not be construed as an emergency, but then on the other hand, Marquand might be upset if he wasn’t notified as soon as possible. After hemming and hawing for a few moments, Braign decides the information he has warrants the phone call.
An assortment of whips and chains are hanging from the black dungeon walls as screams of agonized pleasure blend in with the sound of whipping and the high tech ring of a cellular phone. A deep audible sigh is heard, as the whipping stops, but then so does the ringing of the phone. After a brief respite the whipping proceeds, and the screams of pleasure continue.
Braign has a sudden change of heart and has hung up the phone. Talking out loud to himself, he has decided to wait until he has guaranteed his success and then call Marquand. He opts to call the C.O.M.F.Y Squad and update them as to the new strategy.
As Tom is sitting in the green room waiting for his call, he’s being cuddled by Elyse and reviewing the UCLA material with David. Their concentration is broken by Sammy who barges into the room and tells Tom that he’s just been on the phone with Dr. Rave who received a fax from Jacqueline. She’s due to arrive in London that night, accompanying the Cds. Tom immediately jumps up and starts pacing the room, his hands covering his face, visibly worried. Elyse tries to calm him down, but Joe intervenes and advises her that maybe the right thing to do would be to leave Tom alone, so at the very least, he could prepare for the TV show. Tom agrees with Joe, and promises to call Elyse as soon as the program finishes.
The screen is filled with enemy aircraft attacking from all angles. It’s a video game and the sound of Trevor’s voice can be heard saying that an enemy fighter was zeroing in at twelve o’clock. The video cockpit swerves and dives as Cecil warns of another incoming fighter. Suddenly another pair of hands appear and try to wrestle the controls away. The C.O.M.F.Y. Squad are at a video game arcade and have somehow managed to squeeze their bodies, or at least the top half of their bodies into a small video game booth. Unfortunately for them, their butts are sticking out of the booth, making a tempting target for young pickpockets, who are having a field day. Their video diversion is cut short by the ringing of a cellular phone, which at first they can’t locate. After a few seconds, Harry, who had originally been at the game’s control, remembers that the phone is in his pocket, but he can’t get to it. The Squad attempt to contort themselves in order to reach the phone, but to no avail. Finally, they have no other choice but to get out of the booth, until they realize that they’re stuck. The phone continues to ring and the squad start to freak out over the claustrophobic conditions. The entire booth begins to rock back and forth until, the sides of the booth collapse and the Squad is able to extradite themselves from their entanglement. Cecil and Trevor wrestle with each other to get the phone out of Harry’s pants. Several bystanders are nearly knocked over by the tussling men. Finally the phone slides over to Lloyd who answers it.
Braign is on the phone and wants to know where the men are. Lloyd looks around and tells him that they’re at a video arcade. Cecil, hearing this grabs the phone away from Lloyd and explains to Braign, that Lloyd is somewhat confused and that they’re actually at a video editing house, checking the results from the “hat cam”. Braign tells them to forget about it, and get over to the airport, so that they will be able to assist Braign and the police for the bust of Tom and the group.
The hot lights in the TV studio glare off the forehead of Sally Hansen who is just ending a cooking segment to break for commercial. As the prop men clear away the kitchen set, the makeup artist rushes on to the set to attend to Sally, while Tom and David are being escorted to the set by one of the production assistants. At the same time, Dr. Aziz is being led out by the other assistant. The two enemy camps smile politely at each other, but the tension is still there, so much so, that even the self centered Sally picks up the vibes.
After the commercial break, the show resumes again. Sally introduces Tom and David to a thunderous ovation and then Dr. Aziz, who garners some polite applause. Sally sets up the situation, and reminds the audience that Dr. Aziz had appeared on the show last week and had stated that marijuana is dangerous to your health. She goes on to say that Tom and David were appearing on the program to refute that statement.
David picks up Sally’s lead and directly asks Aziz to repeat his exact statement. Aziz smugly smiles and explains that not only did he state that marijuana was more irritant than tobacco smoke and that it also created chromosome and testosterone damage, but due to the shortage of time, he wasn’t able to relate the discoveries from studies with Rhesus monkeys. Aziz pauses for a moment, looks directly at Tom and David and then continues. He recounts that the monkeys after smoking the equivalent of only thirty joints a day, began to atrophy and die after ninety days. Scientists then opened the brains of the dead monkeys, counted the dead brain cells, and then took control monkeys who hadn’t smoked marijuana, killed them and then counted their dead brain cells. At this point, Tom makes a
face like he’s about to get sick, but no, it’s just for comic relief. Aziz, a bit put off by Tom’s antics, proceeds with his report. The pot smoking monkeys had enormous amounts of dead brain cells, compared to the nonsmoking monkeys. He finishes his analysis with the statement that permanent brain damage is one of the inevitable results of the use of marijuana.
David thanks Dr. Aziz for his opinion, and then turns and faces the audience and tells them that there is some information that Dr. Aziz seems to have omitted. Aziz looks at David quizzically. David proceeds to say that because of the American “Freedom of Information” act, P.A.M.P. was able to secure an accurate accounting of the research procedures used in the report. The Rhesus monkeys in question were actually tied down into chairs, then strapped into gas masks and given the equivalent of sixty three Columbian strength joints in five minutes. The monkeys were actually suffocating. The audience reacts to this statement with a startled hush.
Tom jumps in and points out that the report conveniently failed to include the amounts of carbon monoxide the monkeys inhaled during their “smoke-in”. David points out that that carbon monoxide is a deadly gas that kills brain cells and is emitted by any burning object. He adds that three to five minutes of oxygen deprivation causes brain damage. Therefore the findings in this report have no real merit, because carbon monoxide poisoning and other factors were left out. Tom summarizes by saying that this fabled report that Dr. Aziz holds so near to his heart is actually a study in animal asphyxiation and carbon monoxide poisoning. As far as the report that marijuana is more irritant than tobacco, P.A.M.P. discovered that the studies used the broad leaf of the marijuana plant instead of the bud.
Aziz starts to say something but is drowned out by shouting in the audience. Sammy has stirred up the crowd and have them chanting “Monkey Killer!”. This throws Aziz completely out of whack. He gets up from the set and charges up the steps to get to the audience. Sammy sees him coming and steps right in his way, and in his best “New Yorkese” verbally slashes the doctor. Aziz can’t compete word wise with Sammy, so he tries to physically attack him. Fortunately for Sammy, Aziz isn’t in the greatest of shape and after weakly pummeling Sammy with a pinwheel style of punching, totally exhausted, he collapses into a chair and onto the lap of a rather large woman, who envelops the doctor into her arms.
Sally has been taken aback by this childish behavior of Dr. Aziz and tries to regain control of the program. Tom sees that she is somewhat overwhelmed by the belligerent display of the audience, and so he grabs his guitar, which is just backstage and plays a fast up tempo acoustic version of “Cool Your Jets”, one of the band’s first hits. The audience stops the bickering and starts to spontaneously clap along.
Tom finishes the song with the audience singing the last chorus and takes his bows. A relieved Sally finishes up the show and the program finally ends. Tom and David share a platonic hug as Sammy comes up onstage with a good part of the audience to join in the groove. Joe, who had been watching the show on a monitor in the wings has noticed the time and goes to tell Tom that they’ll have to hurry if they want to get to the airport on time to meet the shipment.
Braign has already arrived at an office in the Customs holding department and is meeting with his old Customs associate, Eric Crust and his team of officers. The office has been set up like a war room with strategic maps and charts positioned on the walls. Braign is enthusiastically explaining the procedure of the upcoming operation. As he does so, Crust looks on with a somewhat uneasy look. He’s seen this type of over zealous behavior from his old friend before. Braign notices Crust’s apprehension and attempts to allay his fears by telling him that this operation is a guaranteed success going in. Crust begrudgingly gives his endorsement to Braign’s scheme. Feeling confident, Braign resumes giving the details. Since this is a top priority action, he gives the customs officers carte blanche as to their dealings with the Strong shipment. He warns the officers that there might be additional smuggling attempts at normal Customs and so he wants them to pay particular attention to anything out of the ordinary, especially any suspicious looking younger people.
The meeting is abruptly interrupted by the arrival of Dennis Twine, who having great difficulty handling Braign’s giant Alsatian, who is straining at the leash. His appearance causes the other dogs to start barking and the room takes on the semblance of a kennel. As soon as the Alsatian sees Braign, he makes a beeline towards him. Twine can’t control the dog and looses his grip on the leash and Braign soon finds himself being licked all over his face. Crust immediately want to know why this dog was included in Braign’s plans. Braign jumps to the dog’s defense and says that because this mission is seek and destroy, he could think of no better animal or person for that matter to accomplish the deed.
The traffic is backed up on the main motorway leading to the airport. Inside their limousine, the band is killing time by taking turns with a Game Boy, while Tom, still grooving on an emotional high after the television show, is discussing the possible repercussions of his appearance with Joe.
Lance, having no luck with the game, concedes defeat, yawns and looks out the window in boredom. He sees a variety of different cars and their passengers, when his eyes lock onto the cab of a rented box truck. Lloyd is at the wheel, but is being hassled by Trevor, who is standing outside on the running board. An argument seems to be taking place inside the cab as well, as a open faced map is being trashed around. Lance lets out a laugh and draws everyone’s attention to the altercation. Sammy yells out to their own chauffeur that he’s lucky not to have been given the job of driving that truck. The chauffeur looks over to the truck, raises his nose and returns his gaze to the front of the road. Sammy elicits a dumb sophomoric laugh from the group, and a few seconds later, the traffic finally begins to move.
The offices at MVBC are nearly abandoned when Elyse returns later that evening. Feeling somewhat depressed, she walks into her own office, and begins to write Tom a letter, when she’s startled by the abrupt appearance of a mail boy. Apologizing for frightening her, he tells her that a tape was just delivered to the mailroom addressed to Dennis Twine, and he came upstairs to see if he was still in the office. Elyse takes the tape and tells the mail boy that she’ll deal with it.
Tom, the band and Joe come in to Heathrow arrivals to find themselves walking into a crowd of about twenty waiting people and no less than seventy five relatives from the English field hockey team. The relatives hold “Welcome Home” signs in their upright arms and start to press forward toward the window partition, separating the admittance area to the arrivals hall.
Inside the Customs hall, the officers are slowly scrutinizing the contents of everyone’s luggage. Following orders, they’re targeting younger people and are pressuring even the field hockey team, who aren’t too pleased with the welcome that they’re getting. One of the officers has seized upon a field hockey stick and saws it in half to see if its hollow. This action enrages the national coach, who demands that the team be reimbursed for the stick.
Tom cranes his neck in order to see over the heads and shoulders in front of him, but starts to get caught in the crush. Knifing through the crowd, he manages to find a small open area in a corner of the hall, where Joe and the rest of the band are standing. He reprimands the group, telling them that they’ll have to brave the throng if they’re to find Jacqueline. Sammy tries to explain to Tom that Jacqueline is after all his wife, and if anybody has to deal with the crowd, it’s Tom. Dr. Rave, who had been minding his own business, eating bon bons, comes to the rescue and tells everybody to follow him. The doctor’s cannon ball figure cuts through the crowd like a tank breaking down walls. As the people in the crowd are being shoved away, someone suddenly recognizes Tom and the band. An excited murmur washes through the arrival hall, but the doctor continues to plow through until he’s a few feet away from the sliding glass admittance door. Just as it seems like the crowd will envelop them, Jacqueline emerges from the door pushing a cart. Before she can even greet anyone, she’s picked up, put in the cart and wheeled away.
Charlie Fischer is in the waiting zone of the Customs holding area. He’s frustrated and is pacing back and forth, because he can see the crates sitting on their palettes in plain sight, but they’re still in the bonded area and haven’t been cleared yet. Just as he’s about to take another cup of coffee from a vending machine, his spirits brighten when he observes a group of Customs officers walk into the holding area and approach the palettes. His momentary joy turns to grief when he sees the officers begin to pry open some of the crates using crowbars.
Tom and the band arrive to see the crates being broken up by the officers. Charlie rushes up to Joe and demands to know what’s going on. Joe is just as confused as Charlie is and tells him that the shipment should have been inspected hours ago. They all look aghast as they see the officers removing armfuls of CDs. Tom is getting angry at these harassment tactics and starts asking in a loud voice if there’s an official on hand to answer any questions pertaining to Customs. Sammy gets up and starts to poke around in the back of the counter. Just at that moment, the escalating sound of howling dogs starts to be heard in the background. Everyone looks up to see Twine bursting into the holding area followed by Braign’s Alsatian, four other dogs from the Customs department and the dogs’ handlers. Chaos
totally ensues as Braign comes running in with Eric Crust and the rest of his team with their guns drawn. Twine is cowering in a corner, begging anyone to call the dogs off. The handlers grab the leashes and lead the dogs over to the now opened crates. The dogs move in and around the crates, as the other officers continue looking inside the CD boxes. Braign grabs a sledge hammer and taking aim at a pile of CDs, he raises the hammer above his head. Everyone in the waiting room cries out in astonishment. Braign sees them, grins broadly at Tom and brutally slams it down on the pile with all of his strength. Shards of plastic fly through the air and Braign is left looking down at broken pieces of CDs, and screaming out that there must be marijuana hidden somewhere, the C.O.M.F.Y. Squad’s rented box truck suddenly comes careening through the giant warehouse doors. As it screeches to a halt, the truck turns, slides to its right and spins out. The centrifugal force of the turn drops the truck’s tailgate and hurls out its contents. The C.O.M.F.Y Squad are too busy arguing with each other inside the cab to know that three of the twenty large canvas sacks they’re carrying have fallen to the ground. One of the sacks splits open to reveal bulging bales of marijuana, sealed in plastic.
The police arrive to investigate the crash and find Braign hanging onto the open truck door and berating the C.O.M.F.Y Squad. A quick series of events has the police discovering that the marijuana was driven in by the Squad and was ordered to do so by Braign. Braign can’t believe what he’s hearing. His whole world is crashing down on him, he becomes unbalanced, twitching uncontrollably. As the police close in on him, he starts to scream that it’s Strong who they should be after. He tries to bring to their attention that Strong’s CD is manufactured from polymerized hemp hurds. The police grab him and while he’s being handcuffed, Braign says that actually Strong should be the one at odds with the law because he’s illegally transporting controlled substances across international borders. A policeman gives him a blank look. Braign tells the police that he’s a government official on a top secret project, but he’s ignored. Braign demands to be freed. He looks for Twine and can only whisper his name but he’s no where in sight. Eric Crust gives him a sympathetic look as Braign is led to an awaiting squad car. The C.O.M.F.Y Squad watch Braign go and they all remark that they always suspected that he was up to no good. They should never have let their sister marry him. As they review their lives in retrospect, two policemen grab them and lead them away to a police van.
The weekly staff meeting at MVBC is taking place. The staff have assembled and Elyse discloses that they have recently received a very interesting video. The room darkens and the image of a wild swinging party plays on the screen. The video is shot at extreme angles amid an odd assortment of other shots including an upside down shot. It’s edited using a hurky -jerky type of pace. The music sounds like an advertisement for “The Greatest Hits of Feedback”, a distorted guitar track drones on eerily in the background. A great cloud of smoke covers the frame and when it lifts, Twine is seen in the foreground dancing half naked with a very enthusiastic Margaret Dilly. Lord Marquand cuts in and dances off with Margaret, but Twine continues to dance. A quick cut to a close up of lines of cocaine on a mirror follows, then a cut back to Twine dancing by himself. The scene cuts to a young woman smoking a hookah and blowing the smoke into Twine’s face, followed by another close up of the cocaine mirror and cutting back to Twine’s solo dance. A caption appears across the screen that reads, “You don’t want to end up like this do you? Drugs. Leave home without them”. The screening room erupts in laughter. Twine is so embarrassed that he can’t speak. The fact that Karl Piedmont directed brings more gales of laughter, as he’s thought of as one of the worst directors of his generation. Other staff members kid Twine about his method style of acting and ask if he’s been invited to join the Royal Shakespearean Company. Bobby ends the nonsense by explaining to Twine that he has no other choice but to let him go. Once the station’s advertisers get wind of the video, it’ll become a moot point. Bobby goes on to say that it’s not personal, but it’s the best for all concerned parties. As Twine is getting up to leave, Bobby informs him that the police have called and want Twine for questioning about a major drug cartel.
Back on the island, the camera tracks slowly down the passageway that’s walls are lined with framed photos and articles. It stops at a section of the wall to see a framed cover photo from Rolling Stone Magazine. The photo shows Tom and the band exercising with Nautilus equipment as the headline reads, “Take Strength, a Healthy Alternative”. The camera continues to slowly track seeing a framed platinum record of “Take Strength”, it moves on and stops at another framed article, from Life Magazine. The article features photos of Tom and government officials standing in hemp fields, with the headline reading, “Out to Save the World!”. The camera proceeds to track down the passageway, as the sound of music is heard louder. It’s the end of a song, building up to its final crescendo, but the last note is hit on five different beats, and the band enjoy a hearty laugh.
The camera tracks down a prison corridor, as door are being slid closed, and lights are being turned off. Several unseen prisoners begin to shout for their neighbors to shut up. As the camera proceeds to move down the corridor, a faint sound begins to grow louder. Mixed in with yells for quiet is the distinct sound of Braign’s voice directing the C.O.M.F.Y Squad and Twine to sing “How Much is that Doggie in the Window”, as the picture fades to black.
THE END
